babycraft

Update

2012-01-16T10:33:00.006-05:00

For a variety of reasons, I'm feeling moved to update here.

We are no longer trying to conceive. But, after all this time, I have learned how to spell conceive. When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window...

No, I'll stop being a jerk. Seriously, we tried. And it was very very very difficult and emotionally taxing for us to keep trying to conceive without success and without, when it all came down to it, very likely odds. We backed off to concentrate on our wedding(s) and realized how much better, calmer and happier we felt. We got married in July of 2011, first with a big traditional wedding Maine, and then in a smaller legal ceremony in Central Park (we're the ones in white about halfway down the page) and it was all lovely and amazing and I'm thrilled to be Jen's lawfully wedded wife (in some states).

Once the wedding was done, we started talking about kids again, and we concluded that we were indeed happier without the stress of TTC in our lives, and that we would look toward adoption and foster care and foster-adoption.

For people who don't know much about fostering, and I was one of them until recently, a little primer on the distinctions:

Adoption: When people say this, they probably mean private adoption of infants. Most people who are adopting infants are adopting a child who is legally freed from their parents and available to adopt, straight off. In the US, you mostly have open adoptions, where birth parents are choosing their child's family and may still have visits or other contact. Overseas adoptions, you usually have a child coming from an orphanage or other kind of agency. Once a match is made and the family is approved, papers are signed and the child is yours, legally.

Fostering: You are caring for a child who is still legally the child of their biological family. You do not have legal rights over the child, and you cannot make decisions for them without the consent of their parents (anything from an out of state vacation to a haircut). Social workers and agencies are involved, and play a role in determining what services the child receives, how often they see their bio family and under what conditions. The ideal goal of foster care is reunification with the birth family, or a permanent placement with a relative (grandmother, aunt, etc.)

Foster-adoption: Basically, adopting a child that has been in foster care, once it is determined that they are not able to reunite with their family and become available for adoption.

It's all COMPLICATED. Lawyers, families, judges, social workers, therapists, children. But then, it's also simple. Children need safe and loving homes. Maybe for a month, maybe for a lifetime.

After a lot of thought, we've decided to apply to become foster parents. We know we have a safe and loving home for a child who needs one NOW. We would also like to one day adopt, probably a foster-adoption. Agencies are walking a fine line, trying to reunify families, but also find an outcome that is in the best interest of the child. Right now, we have told our agency that we are open to the idea of a permanent placement. (Some people aren't, some people only want to foster.)

We have a lot to do before we get certified - paperwork, training, home study... But we're excited to see what this new endeavor will bring. Most likely it will bring a fascinating, confused, angry, excited, terrified, complicated, terrific little person into our home ere long. I've been reading a lot of fosterblogs, especially fosterhood and fosterwee and trying to learn more about how it all works, what level of crazy we're really opening ourselves up to here.

In the end I think opening up is really the takeaway - opening up my definition of family; opening myself up to new feelings, both positive and negative; opening our home and our lives; opening up to experiences that will be unlike any I've had before. That means I'm learning, that means I'm seeing new sides of myself and of my wife, that means my understanding of the world and of myself is developing. That means I'm happy.

2011-02-17T11:43:00.002-05:00

We're all ensconced at the new clinic. I was just there this morning, for an insemination. Its not as touchy-feely as CL was, not as gay. But they know how to get it done, and I'm happy to have their expertise on our side.

The doctor I'm working thinks I'm hilarious. The first time we met, she read my chart, went over my records from previous doctors...and cracked up.

"Sorry. It's just...here where it asks for method of birth control, you wrote 'being a lesbian'"

A failsafe method.

They took about a gallon of my blood, and the doctor examined the results. My LH level was super high, round about where someone would be at age 40 or after, not at age 31. So the recommendation was for me to get my shit together and hit it hard. No guarantees, of course, but clearly there was no point in wasting time.

But there were still a few more tests to run, some dye to shoot through my fallopian tubes, all kinds of fun stuff that involved poking instruments into my body. Honestly at this point it's weird for me to be in a room with a medical professional and NOT be pantsless. Awkward at the dentist.

We started inseminating again last month. I had cysts present at the start of that cycle, nothing to worry about, the doctor said they'd shrink and go away and they did. But that meant I couldn't have hormones to help me along that time. I ovulated normally, we inseminated, nothing came of it.

We're in the midst of a second cycle now. This time the cysts were gone, so I was allowed to use Clomid. I developed two follicles, both pretty hefty. We all would have liked to see more, with the Clomid, but still, I was glad that they were there, at the right time in the cycle. They gave me a prescription for a trigger shot, but I ovulated on my own, and I had an IUI this morning.

Does anyone even want to read this? Its boring, but it's true.

This process is pretty...repetitive after a while. If this doesn't work, they'll tinker with the drugs, I'll work on the timing. And again. And again. Time goes on, and the whole thing's not nearly as fraught as it used to be. I just can't keep up that level of drama, and it would be counterproductive to do so anyway. I have other things to worry about - the wedding, the fact that I don't have a job right now (that's another fun story for another time), the insurance headaches that come from going to the doctor multiple times a month. And other things to make me happy - Jen, the wedding, my family, my friends, working out like a mofo, the YA fiction I'm obsessed with reading and writing. Trying to make a baby is part of my life, but not my whole life. And if it doesn't work, then...we'll work on other plans.

We did see a lawyer, get the basics on adoption. The wedding comes first, and moving out of this apartment. But that's a possibility, on the horizon, one that I'm sure will bring its own joy and heartache and bureaucracy. So. We'll see.

I wouldn't call it popular demand...

2010-09-25T07:32:00.003-05:00

A few people have expressed interest in continuing to read my story here on babycraft. Or at least reading a thrilling conclusion. And I realize I do feel interested in sharing these experiences again. So. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

The last post I made here was in May of 2009. More than a year ago. Let's catch up. In the intervening year...

I spent a lot of time and energy professionalizing myself as a librarian. I completed my first clumsy forays into the profession, as an intern, as an underpaid student worker. I graduated from my MLS program, I went to the ALA Annual Conference and enjoyed the nerdfest. (Librarians aren't really sexy hot like all the fantasies say, but the girls working at the Penguin Publishing pavillion on the expo floor were.) I am on an ALA book award committee now, and that means I read gay books like its my job. Its amazing to have found a profession that is this organic to my real interests and talents. I found a job, its only part time for now, but I dig it. I work at a small college in Brooklyn, I do reference and library instruction, and am trying to wrestle their college archive into an intellectual arrangement that makes any sense. Its literally the best job I've ever had. I understand now the difference between having a job and having a career.

Jen and I decided to get married, for real, like, you know married with the cake and everything. We've been saying we were going to get married for almost as long as we've been together, and we were starting to plan earlier in the year. But when Jen put an engagement ring on my finger last February, it was like we had translated ourselves into English. They were all like..."Ohhh...MARRRIED!" My mom threw us an engagment party. We began to receive lovely and completely unrequired gifts - may I brew you some coffee in my french press? Or perhaps pack a picnic for us in my tricked out wicker picnic basket? No? Ok. I'll just be over here, powering through mixing cake batter with infathomable speed in my Kitchenaid mixer if you need me.

Now that other people think we're getting married, we really have to plan the wedding. This summer we got a lot done. Picked a venue, reserved hotels, picked a baker for the cake, picked a sort of theme (creepy line drawings of birds), and generally got the ball rolling so fast in one particular direction that we certainly can't stop or change course now. Not that I want to, I'm just trying to convey the...velocity of our intention. We're getting married in Ogunquit, Maine in July 2011. I like the "Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style" feeling of uprooting everyone from their lives here in NYC and CT and piling them all together in an unfamiliar place. It's a very special two part episode of Rose and Jen and while I'm nervous and concerned about money, I am also thrilling with anticipation.

In this process of announcing an engagement and planning for the wedding, we've come out all over again to our families. Which I now realize is the point of a marriage, and why marriage equality is such an important issue. Grandparents can't really rationalize to themselves that you're just friends. Aunts and uncles can't pass you off to young cousins as just roommates. You're relationship is out and present every time you walk into a room with a ring on. So many times now, we've gone to an event, a tangential family event, a cousin's baby shower for example, where non-relatives are there, and "This is Rose, and her fiance Jen". Smiles and friendly chat. And after I leave my mom gets a little grilling. "So you're comfortable with that?" And my mom, because she loves me and she loves Jen and she loves justice and because she's a great lady, sticks up for us and asks why anyone would ever think she'd be uncomfortable with her daughter finding love that seems lasting and honest, with someone who is so smart and sweet and successful. Before we didn't have to deal with that. People could misrecognize the word girlfriend, or we could just gloss over our connection. But choosing to get married means we're choosing to be always introducing ourselves as out, socially.

We did all this. And we also did the every day things. Fed the dogs approximately nine hundred and ninety times. Painted the hallway. Bought new shelves. Visited our families. Went outlet shopping. Kept trying to have a baby.

At this point, that's not a special event. Its a regular part of our life, and every day we do it or plan to do it in some way.

This doesn't mean we inseminated every month for the past year. Far from it. I did go through 5 insemination cycles at Callen Lorde. But there were a variety of issues. First the sperms weren't swimmy. Then my cycle turned bizarre. And between the two things, we ended up with a well timed, likely insemination maybe one time out of five. So, probability being what it is, that would be a .2 chance of having a good insemination multiplied by the .2 chance that any IUI insemination will work (and that's VERY generous) which gives me a .04 chance of being pregnant or having a gorgeous mewling infant in the next room.

I'm not. I don't.

It all got a little frustrating and a little expensive. People that weren't even married when we started thinking about this started lapping us, having kid after kid, through the simple joy of having sex with each other. I wouldn't call myself jealous, what they have doesn't negate the possibility of what I can have. But I will say that my wanting is keener and more directed. I hypothetically wanted to have a child before. Now, I want to have a child.

All of those things that we did in the last year and half - professionally, in our relationship, with our families - these things have helped us to be ready. We are more mature and more financially stable and more in love. There is more of us every day. And I guess, to put it poetically, I do trust that this more, this excess will ripen and grow into a child for us.

But biology and poetry are two different things. So I have an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist next month. My cycle has been uncooperative, to say the least. I experienced a 96 day gap between cycles. I didn't get my period all summer. All the tests I've done so far have shown nothing but healthy, normal outcomes. Hopefully the RE can help explain and rectify the situation. I expect there will be more tests and then we'll start inseminating again in a few months.

People always wonder why I would do that with the wedding coming up. "Don't you want to be able to drink at your wedding?" I can't explain how drunk I'd be on joy if I were pregnant when Jen and I get married.

2009-06-24T06:23:00.001-05:00

I have thoughts, I swear, I'm just keeping them private for the moment.

No news in particular though.

2009-05-10T07:07:00.004-05:00

Where've I been?

I've been getting a physical and taking prenatal vitamins and proving that I don't have AIDS or syphilis or toxoplasmosis. There was a lot of blood letting and several doctors and everyone says with surprise in their voice "There's nothing wrong with you!?" I don't think they're surprised that it's *me*, I think they just rarely see people with no problems at all.

Anyway, all that and two weeks ago I trotted back to Callen Lorde with my documentation in hand and got cleared to inseminate. A few days after that, we bought our sperminos and had them shipped over to CL. The shipping was a slightly stressful part, the bank shipped FedEx and for some strange reason that meant they had to be shipped from lower manhattan to Jersey before turning around and being delivered in Chelsea. That made no sense at all and pissed me off. But they got there in a timely fashion, and right when I asked them to, so it doesn't really matter. It was just nonsensical.

So now the sperms are there. Waiting for me to inseminate. We are doing my next cycle. Which is good, because this current cycle turned out to be a major weirdo. Which very rarely happened to me, over the 7 months I've been charting in earnest. Its slightly freaking me out, but then again, I did have the swine flu...or at least a bad flu earlier in the cycle. I'm just trying to stay calm and focus on being healthy and ready for next cycle. Which will be textbook. Right?

We've been telling more people that we're trying for a kid...namely our families. We've both mentioned it to them before, and they were all at least somewhat enthusiastic, but it's been so long, that we kind of had to be like, no really, really seriously, we mean like, soon (hopefully). My dad called up the other day and councilled me that this might not be the best time, with the economy as it is, with me working on finishing my MLS, with a lot of stuff, that's all true but doesn't change my mind. I listened to him. But it was sort of frustrating, especially coming hot on the heels of (literally minutes after) a male friend of mine saying some of the exact same things. I politely tried to explain to both of the that Jen and I did think about our own financial security, that we had a plan we were satisfied with and happy about, that no time is ever perfect for having a child, and that I'm 29, almost 30, and I don't really fucking feel like waiting another 10 years to have a kid, nor do I think that would be an efficient way to accomplish the goals that I have for myself and my family. AND that starting to try now doesn't mean the same thing as getting pregnant right now, it could take 6 months, it could take years if we uncover some secret issue, and so I might as well get started now, and if it works, count myself lucky.

I know they were both trying to look out for me, and no one forced an opinion on me, they just said their peice and I was like, yeah, no, and we left it at that. But it was irritating. I sort of vented about it to the midwife at CL, embarrassingly. A week later, my mom was like, your dad told me what he said, you're not listening to him right? She was totally behind us. I feel like I'm sort of getting beckoned over to join some mom club, because sure, lots of people are being supportive and are excited about this potential baby, but moms especially are like, YES, join us! Now, I don't know what they do in the moms' club, it seems like there's a lot of discussion of vaginal tearing, at least at the beginning, but there must be some cooler stuff too right?

Anyway moms, future moms, potential moms, hypothetical moms - Happy Mother's Day.

2009-01-23T13:53:00.002-05:00

I've been charting my fertility using temperatures and opks *and* a fertility monitor along with observation of my fertile mucous, of course. Everything's been pretty normal, generally I ovulate on day 12/13, and have a 12-14 day luteal phase.

Right now I'm on day 7 and I've been crazy with lust for the past 2 days. I have no idea what's going on. I wondered if maybe I was ovulating earlier than expected and did an OPK, even though I normally wouldn't think they'd be positive til day 11 at least. One yesterday afternoon and one last night and they both came out positive, hardcore. Fertile mucous abounds. But my temperature hasnt risen yet, and my monitor gave a low reading this morning. Maybe I'm ovulating today? I have some cramps and my body is basically just raging to fuck. I am struggling through the day with the help of youtube lword videos and fanfiction and pouncing on poor Jen at night. I have new sympathy for middle school boys with uncontrollable urges.

2009-01-23T13:48:00.000-05:00

I dreamt the other night that Jen and I had a baby boy. We were out at dinner, talking happily about the baby when we realized that we each thought the other had arranged a sitter but neither of us had and we had left our newborn son alone, outside, and starving.

We freaked out and raced to the rooftop cafe where we had left him. He was in an infant seat, covered by a sort of baby cocoon/blanket. I saw him wave his arm and heard him cry and we laughed in relief because he wasn't dead. A waitress at the cafe saw us and snidely remarked "Yeah, laugh because your son didn't die of thirst. Hilarious."

We took him inside then, and I had to breastfeed him, he was so hungry. But I had never breastfed him before, I realized they hadn't explained how to do it at the hospital or anything. I was really worried, but I just put him to my breast and everything was fine, he got milk, he calmed down, he fell asleep.

Even asleep, I reminded myself that Jen and I would never do something a ridiculous as leaving a newborn unattended and exposed to the elements. It was a horrible dream, but somewhat reassuring.

Really too, I think it was about my fish. I hadn't changed his water in a while, it was freaking me out.

Beginning again. In earnest

2009-01-16T09:31:00.003-05:00

Last night Jen and I went to that orientation for Callen Lorde's Alternative Insemination program. A lot of the information given was stuff we knew, since we've been around the babycrafting block a few times. But it was great to get all our knowledge confirmed, by a medical staff who is extremely enthusiatic about helping lesbians procreate. Honestly, I've never heard anyone say the word "mucous" with such joy in their voice before.

There were a few other couples at the orientation. I often wonder why it is that Jen and I don't hang out with too many other lesbians, and I always come to the conclusion that we just don't move in the same circles. Plus, the few times I did try hanging out with lesbians, some of them told me I wasn't lesbian enough and hit on my girlfriend when I was in the bathroom. Those were grad school bitches, so I'll put it down to the competitive spirit of theory, but it didn't lead to any lasting connections, that's for sure. Once in a while i think it would be nice to have some lesbians to talk about lesbianiac stuff with - but I muddle through. You can dissect the L word with gay boys, you can talk about OPKs with straight people who are trying to have babies. It all works out. Point being, its very rare that jen and I are in a room with other lesbian couples, at least a room that doesn't have happy hour specials posted somewhere.

I tried not to pay too much attention to the others, because I know me. Any time I'm supposed to be doing something serious and quiet, like church or a lecture, then all I want to do is alternately stare at everyone around me and giggle to my companion. Jen's very Mary Ingalls about it and hates it when I misbehave like this. Plus there were only like, 12 people in that room. Everyone would have known I was the total creep. So I tried to be good. But I still managed to break the zipper on my coat and mix up the papers from my packet and Jen's and get Jen to footsie me at least one time.

Some of the others were more nervous than we were. The information was newer to them, and its alot of information, and daunting. When I said I had been charting for 2 months already they were all quite impressed, which of course, I loved. It is always my goal to be the premiere lesbian.

After the presentation we signed up for our enrollment visit with Jennifer, the head of the AI program. The chick who loves mucous so much. We meet with her Feb 20 to go over my medical records, our plans for a donor, all the basics.

As we walked out into the night I turned to Jen, "My favorite thing was knowing that after it was over, we were going to talk about everything together."

She squeezed my arm.

I hesitated. I knew it was wrong, but it was important. "Plus, we were totally the cutest couple in there."

"Oh, yeah, definitely the cutest."

Callen Lorde

2008-12-03T12:44:00.002-05:00

I've been tracking my fertility signs, things *seem* to be going normally for me, although I haven't really gotten on top of every aspect of my cycle yet. But I do ovulate, somewhere in days 8-12. I just have to get better at predicting exactly when.

AND I'm going to have help! Today I called the Callen Lorde center. Its a medical center for queers, and they rock. I had heard a while ago that they were starting up a fertility/insemination clinic, and we were psyched, but it didn't get off the ground in time for our first tries with Jen as birth mom. A stranger's blog post reminded me of the idea today, and I called to see if they had finally started up the program. And they have! And it sounds awesome! It starts with an orientation that covers everything from fertility tracking to legal issues and then they offer assistance with finding donors, storing sperm, and they'll either do the inseminations there or teach you to do home insemination. I am SO happy to find that these services are available in once place, where I feel comfortable, where I know its cool that I'm queer, where they're attuned to the ways that Jen and my pregnancy planning is different than straight people's. I feel like I just made a new best friend.

Of course, we'll see how it all shakes out. If I've learned anything from this process its that you have no fucking clue what is going to happen next and you can never assume that things will go as planned. But at least I feel like there's some structure to work with now, and medical assistance really targeted to my needs, which is honestly, just thrilling.

2008-10-08T07:20:00.002-05:00

So I'm it now. I am to be the birth mother of our child.

I was ambivalent, we've been over that. But I got psyched. Its fun to think about.
Its not fun to go to the gynecologist.

I went for a "pregnancy planning" appointment. The doctor asked me how old I am and whether we planned to do this at home or what. I said I am 29 and that I wanted to start right up with iui, no messing around. As efficient as possible. She looked at me and was like, well, I'd think this should happen pretty quickly then, once you get started.

Awesome. Scary.

I had to go back for the pelvic exam, cause I was on day 1 of my cycle for the first visit. Second visit, I waited forrrrrever, and eventually a very nice PA came in to pinch my nipples and put things in my vagina. I realized the iui will be at least as uncomfortable as a pap, if not more. Ugh. Jen said I can take some of her valium.

The other thing they did was take blood for a variety of tests including what they term the "jewish panel." Since I have some jewish ancestry, they run these tests to make sure that I'm not carrying genetic mutations known to occur in jews. I thought they only did this for Ashkenazi jews, and that's not my ancestry, but apparently they've expanded. Anyway, I found out yesterday don't have any mutated jewish genes.

Still waiting for the other bloods, the rest of the tests they ran. I've been tracking my cycle, I'm quite regular in my ovulation. So assuming all else is well, we hope to inseminate early next year. I wish is could be sooner, but money rears its ugly, necessary head.

2008-08-19T09:19:00.003-05:00

Jen went to the genetic counselor today. The advice was: because of the SMA and other undesirable traits or indicators on Jen's chart, she's probably not the best birth mother for our children. So... tag, I'm it!

I called and made an appointment with the same ob/gyn that Jen's been seeing. She's apparently awesome and nice, so I"m glad we're able to stick with her.

The genetic counselor suggested that I get genetically tested too...which I was sort of like, why...but then I thought about it and there's some things that yes, I probably should check for. But now, thinking about it further, its sort of freaking me out. What's inside me? Do I want to know?

2008-07-12T07:05:00.003-05:00

.
.
.
Jen got a call from her doctor on Thursday. He left a message on her cell saying he wanted to talk to her about some test results. That's never good. At his office they only call if the results are bad news. Jen got the message late on Thursday, so she wasn't able to try to get back in touch until the next day.

I was ready for an anxious evening on Thursday night, but we actually had a great time. Jen went to tango class, and then we walked down to 14th street for tapas and sangria. The subway ride home was interminable, but overall everything was relaxed and happy and we enjoyed our impromptu date.

The doctor finally called Jen back late Friday afternoon. The news was unexpected and bizarre.

Jen carries a gene for Spinal Muscular Atrophy. SMA is a term for a family of disorders that manifest as muscle weakness due to the loss of motor neurons in the spine. People who have SMA can't move or breathe or do anything that requires muscles very well, with varying levels along a spectrum. For example, for someone with adult onset SMA life expectancy is normal, but its still a degenerative disease that leaves the person wheelchair bound eventually (and at risk for many complications, including deadly respiratory infection). For someone with type I SMA, life expectancy is 7 months.

Most of the literature focuses on types I and II SMA, the kinds where your baby is extremely debilitated and dies before they're 2. I'm not sure if this is because these types are most common or because they are most terrible. Or both.

So.

The doctor advised genetic counseling, which we're pursuing. For now, we know the basics. If Jen has a child with a donor who is also an SMS carrier, we have a 1 in 4 chance of the child having the disease, with some variety in there for gender bias and other statistical variants. Jen is firmly against the possibility of terminating any pregnancy she conceives. So we really don't have the option of just trying any old donor and then testing for the disease later. If we could get a donor that we KNEW was not a carrier, that would be ok, so we're trying to figure out which banks, if any, might have this information, or can get it for us.

And frankly, I'm feeling sort of lucky that we are in this situation and COULD find out through testing about Jen's being a carrier. Most people find out when they have a kid and it becomes apparent that their child has a horrible and deadly disease.

In the meantime, we've had some more discussions about me possibly being the biological mother of our children...which I must admit, is a rather daunting prospect for me, but I'm getting more enthusiastic. Its just...

I had envisioned this whole role for myself. This whole road to motherhood that didn't involve me as the birth mother. And now the role might shift and just as I know Jen will be disappointed if she has to give up the thought of being the bio mom, I'll be disappointed to give up the version of motherhood we were inventing for me.

We'll see.

2008-06-27T11:19:00.003-05:00

Where were we with this sordid tale?

April and May. A lot happened. Lets start at the beginning. Jen is seeing a new doctor. Someone who deals in fertility, not just ob/gyn. At the new doctor's, they did some tests. The results were...not what we wanted to see. Levels that should be low were high.

We sort of freaked out about that. Maybe it meant that Jen didn't have a lot of eggs left. Or the ones she did have weren't good eggs. That news came on the same day that I got a job offer that I was very interested in, a job offer that would radically change what had become a familiar schedule for us. It was a big day. Stressful. I scooted myself into an empty rehersal studio at my office and talked to Jen on my cell for almost an hour.

The initial upset led us to discuss something fairly huge. Me carrying instead of Jen. I'm happy to do it, if we have to, but I'm not happy for Jen not to carry a biological child of her own. She wants that. *I* want that. I love Jen and a baby like her, who looks like her, and has her very very very special ways about it, it would give me great joy to spend time with that child. A child who has me in it...well, that is...less appealing. I'm sure I'll love it in the end, but that hasn't been how I conceptualized the deal. Especially the part about me being a stay at home mom. Being a stay at home mom to a baby I birth...is a whole different prospect than being a stay at home mom to a baby Jen carried. I wanted and want our little alterna happy family plan.

When Jen eventually spoke to the doctor, he told her that our freak out might be a bit premature. He didn't believe that the numbers had a direct correlation to the eggs left, and there were some other tests to do first. So my uterus is on deck. Jen's still at the plate. The dreaded HSG. She did it, on valium, and the result was, her tubes were fine. Clear. Then some more bloods.

Another #. This time, should be high, was low. Not ideal. But the doctor says we can try. So we stuck to our June insemination plan. The derailing of that in the next excruitating installment.

2008-04-19T07:06:00.003-05:00

The sperm bank is releasing a slew of new donors, but most of them probably won't be ready in time for our next insemination in june. They did let us have a sneak peek at the first two guys who will be coming onto the market - one seems like an ass, but smart, and the other seems really sweet but was a mediocre student. His father was valedictorian though and went to MIT, so we have to hope he's got some smart genes in there somewhere. Plus, he likes old english sheepdogs. *I* like old english sheepdogs. We'll go with him.

The most important thing is that this donor is healthy, young, and this sperm hasn't been frozen for a long time. But I would be lying if I said he was my ideal donor. And I feel really horrible and shallow because my main reservation is cosmetic. He didn't do exceptionally well at school, but I felt there was an emotional openness to his communication that was appealing and intelligent in its own right. He loves to travel, which is a really positive trait that speaks of other great qualities like curiosity and friendliness and lack of timidity. But he's blond.

As the non-carrying partner, I have to align myself with the donor. I look for places where I overlap with him. With this donor, the very positive qualities this person clearly has - friendliness, enthusiasm, confidence, aren't things I lack at this stage of my life, but they aren't qualities that came naturally to me, or what I would list first on an accounting of what I like most about myself. My list would be less sunny, more inwardly focused. I am happy but only because I can critically analyze my surroundings, only because I can spend time withing myself, imagining. This guy doesn't seem to have to or want to do that sort of thinking. And I guess I just feel like the blondeness is the external signifier of this outgoing person's difference from me.

Outgoing. That's what it is. I object to him being naturally outgoing.

I realize this is ridiculous. Getting Jen pregnant is the goal, and the raw material of this guy's genes presents absolutely nothing to object to. Being outgoing and friendly are not negative qualities. I just see them that way because they have been hard for me to attain. And I know that all those years I spent being uncertain of myself made me miss out on a lot of great opportunities. Prime example - I could have TOTALLY been hooking up with girls in high school. But no. I was a pussy. I shouldn't pretend that's a plus.

And anyway, I'll have years and years to make the child anxious and analytical, and I'm sure living in New York City will help with that too.

the genius plan.

2008-04-15T20:35:00.000-05:00

I love the L word and Jen hates it with the firey passion of a thousand suns. Sunday nights when it airs, we inevitably decamp to our own corners, to feed our own guilty pleasures. Jen on one couch, curled up with a book that probably has a dragon illustration on the cover or maybe a gryffon, and me on the other couch, panting after my next glance at Jennifer Beals.

The L Word just wrapped up its fifth and penultimate season, and to stave off withdrawal, I decided to go back to the beginning. I got a season 1 dvd from the gay library where I volunteer and popped it in one weekend morning before Jen was awake. I do love to taunt her with my L Word, but I know there's only so far I can push her before she breaks.

The series in general focuses on the lives (and loves and libidios and ludicrously bad decisions) of a group of LA lesbians. The characters I am most interested in (and attracted to) are Bette and Tina, a committed couple who have broken up and reunited several times over the 5 seasons, and who have a child together. I like the angst, I think they're pretty and I love that they have a kid. But as much as I am Bette and Tina centric, I didn't realize how much of the first season, and in particular, the pilot episode, focused on their attempts to get Tina pregnant.

In this episode, Tina and Bette have been trying to get pregnant with ICI at home using fresh sperm for 6 months. Still not pregnant, they have decided to step it up, and are shown collecting the donor's sperm and driving to the doctor's office for IUI. The doctor checks on the sperm under a microscope and has to deliver the sad news that their donor's sperm is non-motile. They then spend a lot of time over the rest of the episode (which spans the course of a month) trying to find another donor. It all culminates in an attempt to rope a young, hot, artsy guy into a threeway to get his sperm. But he backs out when they tell him not to wear a condom, on to their seed stealin' ways. Bette and Tina then proceed to have extremely extremely hot sex and reaffirm their love and connection to one another.

People often criticize the L word for this scene, *I've* criticized the L word for this threeway scene, but watching it again, being in a similar position to Bette as I did so, I saw a lot more truth in it than I had previously. The character of Bette, as a non-carrying partner, is not solely responsible for providing sperm, but in a way, somehow being the conduit of the sperm is her only role in the conception. She's an intelligent, controlling woman, and she takes that role lightly at first - assuming that this, like the other things she's tried to accomplish, will be done, and done well in short order. But as things progress and she can't sweet talk or cajole or boss the sperm into magically appearing, she gets kind of desperate. She's so proud when she finally does come up with a donor for them, and crushed when he's not what Tina had in mind. Finally, she'll do whatever it takes to get Tina pregnant, even if it means sharing her with a random dude that neither of them is too sure of. Its a stupid move, and perhaps uncharacteristic for someone painted as so smart and composed, but its also a testament to her desire to make a family with Tina. And I can relate. I fantasize about making sperm appear for Jen.

In the threesome aftermath, before the hot sex, Bette says "That was...CRAZY."

And Tina replies "I thought it was a genius plan."

And that's how inseminating goes. It pushes you past the limits of what you previously saw as the logical boundaries of your relationship. As a lesbian, you have to move past those limits to let the idea of sperm to enter the picture in the first place. And once you have, its a constant renegotiation of those limits. So maybe some strange and otherwise untenable solutions seem like a great idea. Would we use an asian donor? Would we be open to co-parenting with a man we know well? a man we don't know well? Would we spend $200 a vial on sperm? $300? $600? Jen and I have answered most of those questions already, but now that we're going IUI, we do have consider new donors again. I'm pretty certain the search won't end in a threeway, but I don't exactly know where it will end.

Sometimes I allow myself to think past the conception process and imagine actually having a child, and what questions people might ask. I especially think about what my family will say. How did I pick a person to fill the biological gap that represents me? I am them. How did I decide? There's a process of course. Criteria and availability and timing issues. But I don't know if any answers can help them see our eventual choice for the genius plan it will have to be.

brief injury.

2008-04-07T14:43:00.003-05:00

The new doctor asked Jen to have the basic checkup stuff done at the regular gyn. before they go ahead with the bloodwork and HSG for her next cycle. She called the gyn. to schedule it and the receptionist was apparently incredibly rude, telling her that the doctor wouldn't see her unless she is pregnant. We have heard that this doctor only accepts patients who are pregnant or trying to concieve, but that does include us and she has already accepted Jen as a patient. Jen's been going there for over a year. If there's a new rule about this or something, there are lots of other ways to convey the information without making Jen feel even shittier about not being pregnant yet. That really hurt her. It hurt us.

2008-04-01T15:50:00.002-05:00

I've been quiet. Things got stressful. Emotional. Personal. I didn't really want to share.

We didn't inseminate in March. Because although it seemed like Jen ovulated in Feburary, she never got her period. So there were 45 days between periods. Partly, we were wondering if she was indeed pregnant, or pseudo pregnant with something possibly very injurious to Jen, like an ectopic pregnancy. I was so worried about her. She was sick, unrelatedly sick with all the viruses New Yorkers constantly pass around to each other, and I was convinced that every shiver, every feverish cold sweat was a harbinger of doom. I care very much about having a baby with Jen but not at the expense of Jen herself.

Anxiety built. I googled things to clarify and that made my brain explode with a thousand terrifying theories. We became short with each other. Our hot sex cooled. I yelled at Jen because I love her and cried because I was angry.

While I was scared of Jen having some horrible complication or disease, Jen was scared of losing her period, and her fertility forever. I didn't think that was likely the case, just like she didn't think my theories were at all founded in reality. It was like I was saying "I'm terrified you're turning into a warewolf! I'm scared for you!" and her response was "Silly! I'm not. But we really should have my growing desire to bite humans on the neck with my pointy teeth and drink their blood looked into..."None of it was really based on anything except our fears and the mythologies that each of us were clinging to.

Even as I write this I know Jen thinks about this differently. I know she thinks her fear is more founded in reality than mine. I don't mean to mitigate her concern over her fertility, or make it into silly imagination play. I just...I don't think there's evidence to lead us to the conclusion that she's infertile.

So. We didn't inseminate. We snarked and cried and grew as people and waited until TODAY, when Jen had an appointment with a doctor who could weigh in on the issue. It was just a consultation, but I'm viewing the outcome as very positive.

Presented with the information we had compiled about Jen's cycles and our insemination attempts, the doctor didn't automatically think Jen's infertile or going through menopause or any of that. He does think we should be more agressive in our insemination practices, doing IUI inseminations in his office, as opposed to ICI at home. Before our next insemination (which should end up being in June), Jen's going to have some blood taken and undergo a few tests, including an HSG, which means that they'll inject dye into her fallopian tubes to check for abnormalities or blockages. The HSG is supposed to be rather painful and Jen is scared. But generally, people seem to have an easier time getting pregnant in the cycle after having an HSG test, the dye having paved the way for the sperm to get where they need to go or some more sciency version of that concept.

The doctor is setting our timeline now. Certain tests on certain times in Jen's cycle and so on. Jen seems to be a little forlorn at the loss of control of the process. I on the other hand am relieved that this is in a doctor's hands. I like experts and authorities, and I have to admit that I can't fake my way through this one.

It sucks to see babies everywhere

2008-02-11T11:37:00.000-05:00

On saturday, we found out that this insemination did not result in pregnancy. Our hopes had been up - Jen's luteal phase was longer than ever before, which means her period appeared later than ever before. She was cautious, but optimistic, I was flat out optimistic and cautiously terrified. But it wasn't a baby after all.

I feel sometimes like my being a little scared of it taking jinxes everything. This whole process brings about a lot of magical thinking. If I ask Jen if she has symptoms, then that ruins everything. I can't ask her today. I'll ruin everything.

None of that is true.

After we found out we were not pregnant, we went out to NJ for a Chinese New Year party. There, we ran into a baby. We had last seen him in utero, but now he was out and wearing a t-shit that said Ladies Man. He was cute. But it would have been more fun to just get wasted and not have to look at a cute baby. When we got home I went to bed and Jen stayed up and had beers alone.

Sunday, we went over to a friend's apartment in brooklyn. Having NEVER in the four+ years that there have been friends of mine living in that apartment, run into a baby there, we run into a baby there. Even younger than the Saturday baby, it was even harder to socialize with.

Jen and I are trying to embrace our young married coupledom. And I do love it. This week we've created a 6 day weekend for ourselves that will be spent doing nothing but having sex and long breakfasts and cocktails. That's what I'm terrified of changing. But since we don't know when the babycrafting will start to work, and since it costs a bunch, our young unfettered coupledom is fettered.

We try again in March.

try 3

2008-01-29T16:21:00.000-05:00

We chose a new donor. I don't love him like I loved "Dann" but we got too attached that time. This new guy is a good guy. Healthy, smart, a little funny. His english is worse, so he comes out with some amusing shit. Favorite car - "I cherish the Ferrari for its supremecy." Who doesn't?

We inseminated last night. This was our first real try, a valid try, correctly timed and correctly executed. Every hour counted. Jen left work early, got the sperm, walked the dogs. I left work early without really explaining myself, wedged myself into the train that was miraculously waiting at the station when I got to the platform, and zipped uptown, nervous as a hurricane. I felt the same way I do on a plane. Excited and terrified at the lack of control. I listened to rap and techno to focus myself. The remix of Dreamgirls' "One Night Only" really hit the spot.

The insemination was unexpectedly hot. We have the logistics of the situation down, so its less of a slapstick event. Jen is still nervous but less so. And anyway, we just seem to be on a hot streak for the moment. So somehow it just translated the event from a weird, clinical "stick long object into lady" type thing into an actual sexual experience. Which was sexy and sweet.

After we chilled, drank wine, jen elevated her pelvis (although I think she's bad at it. I said she was the worst pelevator ever). It was a fun night. And after I felt so calm and relaxed. If a baby comes out of this, I'm sure I'll freak out again, but for the time being, I feel back in control, and i think we did a great job.

Now we wait.

disappointment

2008-01-18T17:47:00.000-05:00

Our favorite donor of all time - Dann - was bought up. There were 20 vials left a few days ago and now there are 0 vials left. Dann was great. Now we have to find someone new.

new year

2008-01-14T20:28:00.000-05:00

We did not get pregnant from the November insemination.

The holidays were completely out of control, running places to see different family members, Jen and I ended up apart for most of Christmas. It was truly horrible. The best part is that my mom saw how miserable I was, and we've made arrangements so it doesn't happen again. We'll just have to drive around like maniacs next year. Maybe if we have a baby by then we can get off the hook.

We're trying again this month. January. I feel good about it. We've learned that Jen has a pretty good grasp on her cycle now, she gets feelings about when ovulation is going to happen and the feelings are right. So she's steering the ship in terms of timing now.

We've been having totally hot sex. I wish I ejaculated sperm, cause this would be a fucking done deal.

2007-11-30T14:14:00.000-05:00

I keep teasing Jen. She's tired. "Its because you have a baby inside." She's nauseated after a grilled cheese sandwich. "Its because you have a baby inside." She doesn't want to watch American Chopper with me. "Its because you have a baby inside." I figure if I just make fun of it, constantly, to a ludicous level, it will negate any disappointment we might feel if/when its proved that she does not, in fact, have a baby inside.

I hope she has a baby inside.

I know she probably doesn't.

But I don't know for sure.

I hope she has a baby inside.

I know she probably doesn't.

But I don't know for sure.

Jen is simulaneously pregnant and not pregnant. Its kind of like Schrodinger's cat.

nov. aftermath/ 2nd insem.

2007-11-30T13:58:00.000-05:00

The day after our first november insemination, we expect to see an egg eyeball (its just a picture of an egg, but it looks like an eyeball, we call it the egg eyeball) on the fertility monitor. The point of inseminating on the night of the 11th day of jen's cycle is to catch the egg that should be released on the night of the 11th day/morning of the 12th. The fertility monitor reports no egg. We see no more fertile mucous. The OPKs are no longer strong. Ferns are gone. What?

We have a fight on the subway. Jen insinuates that I pushed her into inseminating when she felt it would be better to wait. I am confused and hurt, I though we had decided together. She apologizes. I apologize. The rest of the subway cringes, disgusted by the way we throw around the term "cervical mucous."

We decide to hold off on our second insemination. Maybe its just a glitch. Maybe. Maybe. We'll wait as long as we can. Its tuesday. We can wait til friday. Maybe saturday? We'll wait and see.

We wait. We see...confusing, conflicting things. We have thanksgiving dinner. We wait some more. Friday, Jen has STRONG OPK results. Stronger than ever before. Ok. Ok. This is it. This is the surge. We'll inseminate on Saturday. Do we see fertile mucous? Some. Ok. Saturday.

We inseminate again on Saturday. We expect the egg eyeball the next day. No egg eyeball. No egg eyeball. She's on day 23 of her cycle now and fertile mucous has come again and gone again and still no egg eyeball.

I have no idea what's going on. The monitor says she didn't ovulate and other signs say she did except not conclusively enough to say exactly when, so don't know if either of inseminations was at the right time.

First november insemination

2007-11-30T13:21:00.000-05:00

We inseminated twice this month.

First insemination. Jen picked up the tank on friday before thanksgiving week. Two straws of semen. Approximately 16-30 million sperm ride home on the subway with Jen.

We wait for signs of ovulation. Things seem to be progressing normally for Jen to ovulate on the 12th day of her cycle. Two especially good signs - we're seeing ferning when we examine Jen's spit in the ovulation microscope and her OPKs are showing a darkening second line. We feel confident this won't be one of those longer cycles. We decide to inseminate late at night on the 11th day and during the day on the 12th day, covering as big of a window of time when an egg is likely to be present as possible.

One thing continues to trouble us though - a lack of fertile mucous. Every book and pamphlet and bossy lesbian on the internet says that fertile mucuous is the KEY element in conception. Without fertile mucous the sperm will never make it up to the egg. But we see none. What the FUCK?

On the 11th day, Jen sees some fertile mucous. Tiny fertile mucous, but it thrills us. We decide to go ahead as planned, go into the bedroom and attempt to get Jen arosed. That fails miserably. We sort of get her there, she gets exhasperated, and tells me just to stick the semen in. A few weeks ago, we ordered "Pre-seed," lube that is specifically formulated to aid in conception, or at least not kill sperm like other lubes do. I break out the Pre-seed to assist in this situation.

Hilariously, Pre-seed comes prepackaged in these large pointy plastic applicatiors that you are supposed to insert into your dry vagina and use to squeeze the lube into the vaginal canal. Eschewing that extremely uncomfortable route, I just squeeze some out, apply it with my much more comfortable and less pointy fingers, slide the sperm applicator in, and uh...applicate it.

Jen chills for a full hour with a glass of wine and an elevated pelvis, rotating every 15 minutes to get the sperm to coat the cervix.

"I feel something." she says "I feel movement".

2007-11-15T19:55:00.000-05:00

This month we try again. I am feeling pretty good about our chances, even though a minor flurry of potentially major issues erupted over the past few days.

First, Jen's mom has been dealing with some health issues. She's not actively sick, but potentially quite sick. Its been a lot of tests and waiting and Jen being frustrated that maybe her mom wasn't giving her all the info and me trying hard to comfort my sad, frustrated baby.

While that was happening, some old debts reared their ugly heads. They are being dealt with in a practical and managable manner. But this coming out of the blue was insanely stressful, especially for Jen. And we've had to cancel a Valentine's Day vacation we were planning. It was either that or use less sperm. To which I said I was more than happy to spend a frugal Valentine's day at home with my (hopefully pregnant) baby.

THEN. At some point Jen used my phone to call her phone, to find it in the house. When she did that she saw a call to someone in my phone book identified only as "A". A past horrible experience with a girlfriend who cheated came crashing back to her, and she was terrified for days that I was cheating. She didn't say anything, but was extremely sensitive and sad. I thought it was due to the stuff with her mom and the money, but eventually weasled it out of her. I was horrified to think that she had been miserable for days! And over absolutely nothing. The "A" was just random shorthand I had used to store the number of an administrator at one of the library programs I was applying to. I felt kind of awful that Jen had thought I would cheat, but I know she was just feeling extremely low, and this experience was a lot like one that HAD ended badly, so I see why she would be quick to jump to hideous, nauseating conclusions. I felt kind of awesome that I could clear it all up and make her SO much happier so quickly. But on the whole, ugh. I can't even enjoy writing about that. Its gross.

SO>We were planning to order sperm on Monday to pick up on Tuesday. That is when Jen SHOULD be ovulating but that way we could be confident that we are right about that. On occasion Jen has elongated cycles, ovulating a full week later. And if its one of those and we bought the sperm too early, we'd be screwed, having wasted both money and sperm...So we wanted to get as many signs as possible pointing toward yes before we ordered. But then today we were going to call the sperm bank to give them a new credit card, and realized they are CLOSED for ALL of next week. So if we wanted to have it on tuesday, we had to decide that TODAY and pick it up on Friday. So we don't get those extra days to watch for signs and be sure sure sure even though things ARE looking good from the signs we have seen (ferning beginning, opk showing a line beginning to darken). We went for it in the end, but ordered less straws than planned. Also, when we did that, we realized that someone else is all up in our donor. They must have ordered 4 straws this month. I hope they get pregnant because a)that means the sperms' got juice, b) I wish them nothing but success, c) then they can stop buying MY sperm.

Through all that though, my enthusiasm has not dampened. I am very excited about this month's insemination(s). And I am more sure than ever that Jen and I are a great couple, and that one day we're going to have a great kid.

So. The temple of dendur returns tomorrow.

the truth

2007-11-08T19:23:00.000-05:00

Our friends Frank and Laura are having a baby! This is very exciting news. Frank and Laura are terrific people, they'll make an adorable, smart baby and raise it up to be a great, bike-riding, philanthropic, theater-going member of society. There should be more people like Frank and Laura and now there will be!

Of course I was a bit jealous when I heard the news. They have tons of free sperm, and they just had fun free sex and whoop, baby! It made me wish life was just as easy for us. Just like I'm jealous when my friends with corporate jobs get giant bonuses for christmas and I get the flu. I'm just as smart and great of a person. Why should my life not be equally awesome and easy?

But I know that's silly and non-productive. I love my life. I love Jen. I wouldn't trade ANYTHING about our life together for money, or sperm, or even a baby. I love going through this process with her and learning about myself and about what she thinks and about ovulation and about sperm banks and saving money and fertile mucous and cracking her up while I stick a pipette into her vaginal canal. I'm really happy with how we live and how we live together. And having a baby isn't an end to race anyone to, or some final peice of a puzzle that has to be in place before my life can be considered complete. Trying to have a baby is an element in the larger development of my life. Actually having the baby and raising a kid will be another element. The fact that I get to share these things with a woman I am completely capitvated by, obsessed with, crazy in love over, means that no matter what happens, I am growing in a positive way, I am happy, I am satisfied, I am with her.

Doth I protest too much? Am I trying to stamp out the tiny green monster tugging on my pant leg? Am I trying to stab a stick through the yawning maw of expectations? Maybe. PART-ly. But its also the truth. I'm really happy for Frank and Laura, and I'm really happy for me and Jen.

This month we try again. Jen's probably going ovulate over thanksgiving weekend, which will be good in terms of our free time, but awkward since her great but extremely uh...inquisitive mom will be visiting. We'll be sleeping in the office on the futon, fending off the dogs, quietly attempting to achieve orgasm while her mom pads to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I swear, sometimes its It's like we're trying to concieve in a french farce or something.

results

2007-10-24T13:24:00.000-05:00

Shortly after we inseminated we went away on vacation. We knew that our timing was off by days, but still. That hope.

Being on vacation was distracting and fun, and made it a lot easier to take when we got conclusive proof that Jen was not pregnant. But even though she had been saying she knew it hadn't taken, Jen was very very sad.

This first, small yet not unexpected disappointment makes me wonder what is to come and how I'll handle it if it is more...no. In my life, I rarely, if ever, undertake things I am not good at. I don't usually delve into areas where I don't easily and quickly succeed. In recent years, I've gotten more aquainted with the concept of effort, but I still have yet to become acquainted with the concept of failure. And I don't intend to start with this. But this isn't something I make happen just by being smart and funny. I can control when we put the sperm in, whose sperm, and how much, the knowledge I have about the process and how i treat Jen and myself, but in the end, when we put it in there, its out of our hands. I cannot personally drag the sperm up to the egg and shove them together. I can't do anything to MAKE it work.

I don't like not having control. So I fall back to what I know is mine. I imagine this working.

Next try is november. We'll be better organized, better informed. And perhaps most importantly, using more sperm. Three vials. C'mon baby.

First Insemination

2007-09-27T15:27:00.000-05:00

We've been plotting and planning for almost a year now and then we get there, in a room, just us and the sperm and its holy shit what the fuck are we doing. Its clear now why sex and babymaking biologically comes with distracting orgasms. Becuase if you have to actually think about it, its a very very very daunting, terrifying, oh-mY-god-this-is-a-terrible-idea prospect.

In the days leading up to the event, things weren't lining up exactly right with the ovulation signs so we waited as long as we could before we had to use the sperm we bought. It was chilling in a canister in our hallway. Jen called the case The Temple of Dendur, cause it was shaped like a trapeziod, reminicent of the temple at the Met. But all our dorkhearted musuem joking aside, things were getting kind of tense. This sperm had not been cheap. Plus, Jen was getting scared. I was all like, why are you scared, why are you scared, what's to be scared about...until I experienced the totally un-relevetory reveleation that oh My GOD, she would be the pregnant one. At Andrew and TK's going away party I said to Andrew, "Wow, if I were the one attempting to biologically have a baby, I'd be TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!" As it was though, I was all, "YEAH, let me just put the tip in!"

We finally ended up inseminating on Tuesday night. The signs still weren't what we had hoped for, but time was running short. So I got home from tutoring, we had some wine and retired to the bedroom with a giant tank of liquid nitrogen.

I tried valiently to make it sexy. But its hard to make it sexy when the girl you're sexing is anxious to the point of being stiff. Finally I gave up the sexy and went for funny, which definetely helped Jen relax. And how convienent that we were laughing too, because things turned into a comedy of errors ere long.

The sperm comes in a little straw. Like, like....like Pixie Stix. Except instead of candy dust inside, its semen. And the little straw is kept frozen inside the hydrogen tank until you open it up. So finally I get jen cracking up and we're like, ok, we're gonna do it, we're totally gonna do it. I open the tank and its like jurassic park or something. The clouds of coldness rolling out and everything. It was AWESOME.

I got the little frozen straw out, and put it against my body to thaw, as suggested. I was almost naked so I tucked it in the waistband of my underwear, to keep it against my skin. A few minutes pass, it thaws, and we're like, ohhh. Now...uh...how do we get it out of this pixie straw and into the long skinny pipette (technical term - pipelle de cornier) thing the doctor gave us to use for insemination without wasting any?

So we started trying shit. I tried sticking the pipelle into the straw, to suck up the juice, but that wouldn't work, it wouldn't fit. I tried sticking the straw into the pipelle, just sort of thinking I could squirt it in, but it wouldn't fit that way either. Then we decided fuck the pipelle, lets just take the pipelle plunger thing and make the straw into a syringe of sorts. Which semi worked, but wouldn't really do what was necessary when it came to the squirting out part. Plus this makeshift solution had a jagged point that Jen did NOT appreciate.

So now basically i've been sticking random things into my girlfriend for like 20 minutes. Events have taken a rather gynecological and awkward turn here and still no one has had semen inserted into their body. So finally, we say fuck it, dump the semen into a pyrex and suck it up with the pipelle. It works amaaaaazingly well, and i realize our lesbian doctor totally knows her semen injecting business.

I try the sexy part again, and thankfully, this time I get somewhere. When Jen seems to be enjoying herself, I get the pipelle in, plunge the semen out, and then get to work making her come. I am victorious.

Jen concurs, "If this doesn't work, at least its not for lack of orgasm."

She then has to spend the next 45 minutes to an hour with her pelvis remaning elevated. Oh, yes, did I mention her pelvis was elevated this whole time? Her pelvis was elevated this whole time.

We watch Adult Swim. I forbid her to de-elevate her pelvis until after Robot Chicken. But she gets up when the Family Guy is over.

We'd been referring to this attempt as a dress rehersal, forcing our hopes down instead of up. In reality, it was more like a stumble through than a dress. But we did it. And still. This tiny ray of hope. You never know.

2007-09-12T15:59:00.000-05:00

Ordering drama. Much of it.

I called the sperm bank to tell them I had given them the wrong address for delivery to the doctor's office. They were fine about that, but while they were on the phone, I realized I should make sure we were on the same page about this specimin being used for ICI, not IUI.

"This specimen is for ICI, right?"

"No, this is for IUI."

"Well, we want to use it for ICI."

"I guess its up to you..."

I hung up, realized I was entirely dissatisfied with that conversation and called back. Before I called back though, I spoke with Jen about what we would do if there was not an ICI specimen available for our donor, H807. We agreed on another donor we had considered in the past.

"So umm...We are doing ICI. Is this a washed specimen or unwashed?"

"This? This is washed."

"Oh, but for ICI we need unwashed."

"Well, you could try with washed."

"But that isn't going to work. I know that won't work."

"Well. You could try."

"I don't think so. Do you have any specimens for this donor that are unwashed?"

"Uh...no"

"Well, what donors do you have unwashed specimens for?"

"Oh, they're all washed!"

"All?"

"Yah."

"All the specimens are washed?!"

"Yep."

"Well, I'm sure this isn't your area, but on your website you list that you have specimens available for ICI for some donors. If you only have washed specimens, that is not true. You shouldn't say that!"

"Um."

"I need to cancel my order."

Jen was disappointed, but I, being the one who had this asinine conversation, and a few equally frustrating ones before it, I was all ready to not use that sperm bank and use someone who maybe had a clue or a shred of professionalism.

The one who had been the most together on the phone was Cryos International aka Scandinavian Sperm Bank. I had been hestitant about using them because their donors are uh...scandinavian, which I most certainly am not. But if its between a pale baby and a sperm bank that is gonna give me a fucking hassle and send me sperm that is sure to not work, I'll take a pale baby. We went back over the Cryos donors and Jen and I both got excited about the same guy.

6'1, 170 lbs. He likes reading and astin martins and Media Studies. He wrote a very sweet note on his application that says he would be very proud if we pick him. He should be fucking proud. while all the Scandinavians we look at seemed healthy and polite and smarter, or at least MUCH better educated than the avg american, this donor seems to be among the smartest and sweetest of the bunch.

We signed the requisite forms, faxed 'em in, placed our order, no problem. The lady on the phone was soooooo much more clear and informative. AND, although this is still an unknown donor deal, we can order a baby picture of our donor. Which I just did. Which will be emailed to me shortly. Which is freaking me out. The lady on the phone said he was a cute baby!

2007-09-10T08:29:00.000-05:00

I just ordered sperm.

It was weird, but also really normal. But I guess that's what made it weird, it being like ordering a dress or a book or anything out of a catalog. Its like 10 minutes later and I still feel odd. Rather disconnected from the process of this conception which is impossible, since there is no process with out both Jen and I. I guess its just another rejiggering of expectations. Ordering the sperm isn't really emotional, but at the same time its getting me really hyped for the insemination. I've never released semen into my girlfriend before!

In an attempt to remain calm Jen and I are treating this first insemination as a dress rehersal of sorts. I mean, we understand it could full well result in pregnancy, but we have a lot to work out in terms of the logistics, so this is our trial run with only 1 unit of semen. That's a mere 12.5 million motile sperms.

But what if she actually gets pregnant?! Holy fuck!

Pride

2007-06-29T07:29:00.000-05:00

Jen and I are at a second floor window at The Duplex, looking down on the crowd waiting for the Pride parade. We're sipping on our alchoholic pink lemonades and feeling very pleased with ourselves for snagging the prime viewing location.

Right below us there are a crowd of multicultural college kids, embodying fresh young queerness. Watching them for a while, we realize they are deaf, they are signing excitedly and you can almost hear different voices coming through in their gestures. The skinny black girl is high pitched. The guy with an afro has a drawl. The white boy has a gay accent. They remind me of my first few years at pride, pouring rum and vodka into supersized McDonald's sodas before my friends and I tore our way up and down fifth avenue.

Next to them there is a rowdy bunch of boys, flirting with all the guys and leading the crowd in chants. Two male cops linger near them, flirting with everyone.

The entire crowd is composed of little groups like these, friends and lovers and professionals and kids.

Right across the street from us, two women and thier baby have camped out. They've got chairs, coolers, friends, all surrounded by yellow CAUTION tape. The baby is a girl. She has peirced ears, and despite the hot sun and loud homosexuals, she remains unphased. The women aren't very like me or Jen. But, whatever our differences might be on the subject of knee length denim shorts worn with timberlands, we clearly agree that two women and a baby are a very real family. They just did what we're trying to do.

"Maybe we should go to that thing. That group" I say. "At the center. For lesbians trying to concieve. Maybe people have advice we can use."

Jen is non-committal.

"But" I continue, crunching an ice cube from my drink, "I hate taking advice."

Jen cozes me in the corner. "We know what to do. We just have to do it in the way that's right for us."

Pride rages.

2007-06-24T08:06:00.000-05:00

We've decided our first insemination will be in august, because of finances mainly, and because things are kind of wild this month and next with work and weddings and acitivities. We need some quiet time, some time spent together, some time to organize our thoughts and do this proprely. August.

I'm frustrated though, since the insemination has had to be postponed. I belong to a livejournal community about women trying to conceieve (lesbians_ttc) and people just seem to be constantly posting about using fresh sperm and hey, since its fresh and free, why not just rush heedlessly into using it right this very second? Its just irritating when we have to be so deliberate about every move we make. I wish we had a lot more money, or some free fresh sperm. I wish someone would just crawl out of the woodwork, and be perfect and smart and generous and give us their semen for free until we conceive and then disappear again forever. What a fucked up wish. A magical semen font.

The other day, we went to a friend's party, a party that was chock full of lovely gay men. I was having a wonderful time, but I was also sitting there coveting their sperm. I'm really becoming disturbed.

I'm trying hard not to become bitter... I know the way we're doing things is the way we need to do them, what is appropriate for us. But I really want this. I feel like we're stuck at stage -1.

2007-06-13T16:00:00.000-05:00

Stress.

Things were fine, we were ready for July, we set up our account at the sperm bank and everything. But then...jen had the weirdest cycle ever. She didn't ovulate until day 21, a full week later than usual! She still hasn't started her period, which means she's now on day 30 of her cycle, when she usually tops out at 24-26 days. WTF?

As we dealt with that weirdness...we realized how much fucking money we owe my mom for this Sicily trip. We're thrilled to be going and my mom is totally helping us out by covering our airfare, but we need to be saving money and lots of it over the next few months. Which means we can't afford to inseminate as much as we wanted to. That's just the reality of the situation. Which I found devestating. I am feeling slightly better realizing we can still insemenate, if on a smaller scale. I thought at first we couldn't do it at all and i was crying.

Its just been a rough week. And work is strange too. Stressful in new ways. Why is everying fine, but seeming dire?

twins

2007-05-22T13:14:00.000-05:00

I called to ask the lab if they had any records of previous pregnancies resulting from our front running donor, H807. A junior type employee there told me he didn't have access to those files, but he would have a supervising doctor get back to me. They called on friday, and we played phone tag until this morning.

"Hi, I'm returning a call from Dr. Tffrishman" I didn't know if he had said "fishman, or tishman or trishman or frishman in is message. I figured I'd hedge my bets.

"Sure, hold for Dr. Fishman"

So there's that cleared up.

"Hi Dr. Fishman, I called last week. I was trying to find out if H807 had resulted in any pregnancies..."

"Ah...yes. Twins!"

I have no idea why, but that was so funny to me. I cracked up. The doctor chuckled too.

"Twins! That's cute! Thanks!"

Jen had the exact same reaction when I relayed the news.

"Twins! That's cute!"

I have no idea why this tickled us (even the doctor) so much. The genetic predisposition toward having twins has nothing to do with the sperm. Disregarding the use of fertility drugs, twins are more likely to occur when the mother:

Is between 30 and 40 years of age
Has had a high number of previous pregnancies. (The more kids you already had, the more likely you are to have twins.)
Is a twin, or the sibling of a twin or already birthed twins
Is black, or specifically african or specifically from West Africa or even more specifically of Yoruba or Hausa descent.

The sperm has nothing to do with it at all, twins are all the egg's doing. But still. Twins! Cute! Two of h807's sperm made it to the big show. (more might have as well, pregnancies are not always properly reported to the lab). That does make us giddy.

goodbye (again) H877!

2007-05-17T16:43:00.000-05:00

Turns out H877 is in quarantine because the donor has not submitted to the necessary testing recently. They recently made stricter rules about what you have to be tested for, and I guess he hasn't been around to prove he's not diseased. That's ok. H807 is a totally cool guy, if slighly arrogant on paper. He just knows he's awesome. If I were donating my genetic material, I too would want to impress upon the people who are recieving it that they are getting some choice dna.

welcom back H877!

2007-05-17T15:43:00.000-05:00

I went to the sperm bank yesterday. To get paper, not sperm. I went to purchase the "long profile" of donor H807, a puerto rican theater student. The long profile cost 8 dollars and didn't reveal much more than the short profile which is available for free online. It is, however in the donor's own handwriting, which carries some charge even if the info is the same, I guess because we all know what "serial killer" handwriting looks like.

For the record, H807 had typically crampy, crappy guys handwriting, but nothing approaching serial killer quality. The handwritten notes did reveal that he went to Tisch, which made me wonder if he ever had a threeway with any of my Tisch friends, and that his favorite books are Catcher in the Rye and The God of Small Things, which are both respectable, if not entirely orginal. H807 seems like a solid pick.

Last night, when discussing H807, Jen asked if I had inquired at the sperm bank about H877, who we had been previously obsessed with. He is the elusive Peruvian/Italian/Chinese donor...which, as a Peruvian/Italian/Tunisian person, I am very interested in using to create my family. Also, he too studied theater (perhaps he and H807 and one of my Tisch friends all went at it together). And he likes magical realism, which I dig. However, we had been previously told that they were out of H877 and he wasn't coming back to donate anymore. But Jen pointed out that they he was still listed as available on the website...it was worth asking about.

So this morning, I called back and asked. I was told that H877 is in quarantine! This is sort of great news. Sort of. It means he donated recently. His sperm will therefore likely be livelier than some of those that have been on ice for longer. But sperm have to be in quarantine for 6 months at least. We're going to start trying in July and keep it up for the subsequent months. Will H877 get out in time? Will he be CMV negative? Will our hero be able to reach the old mill in time to save the gang?

disappointed

2007-05-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

One of the sperm banks we're interested in using has been in the middle of changing locations and hasn't updated their website in several months because of the upheaval. We check all the time to see if they have gotten their shit together and they never have...until today. I was SO EXCITED to see that they had updated their donor list. Until I actually looked at the donor list.

white guy
white guy
white guy
white guy
white guy
white guy
white guy
white guy
white guy
white guy
white guy
white guy
white guy
white guy
white guy
white guy

black guy
chinese guy
korean guy
chinese guy

Not even one hispanic guy. or even a middle eastern guy. Fucking fuck. I mean, I don't need this baby to be my biological baby, but I would like to look somewhat related to the child. Jen is a pretty pale woman. Pale + pale = pale and I ain't pale. nor am I black or chinese. We're going to be a family, I don't want to look like the fucking nanny. Is one brown person so much to ask for?

motherhood

2007-05-03T08:30:00.000-05:00

We still haven't touched a sperm yet. We don't have the money for it right now, or for as much of it as we want. We decided to defer, and rather than buy one vial in May, to buy three vials in July. THREE VIALS! That still won't equal as much or be as potent as if we had fresh sperm, but it'll give us a better shot than one.

In the meantime, we're still triangulating Jen's ovulation day, and thinking about parenting. Mothering. Our plan, when the baby arrives, is that Jen will work, since her job pays more money, provides our insurance, gives her a pension...all wonderful things that my job does not...and I will stay home and take care of our child. Working, I wouldn't make much more than it would cost to pay someone to watch the baby. This way, I get to bond with the child, and I can still work nights/weekends to make sure I have income coming in. Also, the baby gets a caregiver who is loving and smart, without us having to pay extra for that. I would hate to go to work while someone else watches my baby, mainly because I don't think anyone would be better at taking care of it than me or Jen.

But since we've made that decision, which Jen and I are both thrilled about, I have noticed that it is decidedly against the norm here in NYC. Most women work, either because they have to or because they want to, and leave their children with other people. Which is fine, understandable, everyone has their own needs and goals. But for whatever reason, there's also this disdain for mothering that comes through...My old boss used to freak out if she had to stay home with her kid for a week straight. She found it exhausting and was always thrilled to come back to work. My new boss just told me she's pregnant. Her lack of enthusiasm pained me. Yeah, another kid. Yeah, email me while I'm in labor, I'll be working from home. She said she liked to get right back to work, because not working caused post-partum depression. "That's when you lose yourself."

I started doubting myself. Staying home with a kid...would I be losing myself? I don't particularly value the reputation I've built for myself in the working world, even though it is a good one. I care much more what my family thinks of me, what my friends think of me, what someone who has read my writing thinks of me. So in that sense no, losing my professional self doesn't injure me too badly. But the crux of my personal reputation is intelligence. And I was getting the impression that many women I respected and admired thought staying home with a baby was none too smart.

I thought about for about a week, carrying it around, troubling over this in my private moments. What did work mean to me? What did I personally really think about being a stay at home mom? How much of my opinion was informed by a generation of women who rebelled against having no other choice? My own mother had not stayed home with me, but when my brother was born, she quit working, I think in large part because my father wanted her to. For 6 years she stayed home, and while she did many useful things - PTA, girl scouts, teaching adult ed - it drove her crazy. She eventually got divorced, went to law school, and now she's a lawyer and I know she is very fulfilled.

But me. Is my situation analogous at all? I think not. And I think a large part of that is because I am in a same sex relationship. While our past experiences inform us, our roles as partners in life are defined by no one but us, because the paradigm for married relationships involves a man and a woman, and not us. If I stay home and Jen goes to work, it cannot be construed as a sexist division of labor because we are the same sex. I don't have to, she didn't make me, it doesn't injure HER sense of self if I choose to be an earner as well. I will choose to stay home, because I know enough to know I am likely to be more educated than the vast majority of nannies I could afford to hire. I know enough to know what advantages my abilities might be able to confer on my child. I know enough to know that we're not the perfect family in the eyes of most people. We need to work harder, to make our child safer, to give them more answers, and spend more time together in order to be the family we want to be, in our own eyes, and in the eyes of people who matter to us. I know enough to know I don't have to be a mother. I want to.

In a way, I feel like the most subversive thing we can do is emulate a TV perfect 50s household and be perfectly happy with that.

update

2007-04-15T09:10:00.000-05:00

I haven't been blogging a lot lately. Funny, my last post indicated I needed to reduce the stress level at home, but that really wasn't what came to pass. Jen's been working very long hours and I've been wrapped up in work bullshit as well. Things are calming down now though. Jen's also nearing the end of another cycle, and her luteal phase seems intact at about 12-13 days, which is heartening.

I got into grad school - all the ones I applied to accepted me. I'm planning to attend the city school, which is the cheapest, but also where I felt most comfortable, most excited. I think I'll probably go part time and keep working full time. Ideally, Jen and i want to be able to save $750 a month, which we think we can do when Jen gets her raise, but only if I keep bringing in at least as much as I make now.

I think really, I should stay at Atlantic. I have a pretty sweet deal going on there, I like the people, I know how to do my job, I could probably get a raise, I have a ton of vacation this year, I could probably eventually move into doing some archiving work there...It could all work out neatly. But much more money, if I can get it would be very tempting. There is one possibility I'm looking into right now which involved more money AND less hours. That could be ideal...but at the same time, I'm reluctant to leave a job I pretty much dig. I just feel I should earn as much as I can before the baby comes.

We're planning to inseminate during Jen's next cycle...so that would mean that 17 days from now, we'd give it a shot. We're very excited - the only thing is we don't really have a ton of sperm to pick from at this point in time. One of the banks we'd like to use just moved, and haven't updated their donor list as they're reoorganizing. But there is one guy we like at another bank - a puerto rican college kid with dimples who studies theater and likes baking. He sounds like a small puerto rican homosexual, which endears him to me.

luteal phase

2007-03-22T16:59:00.000-05:00

The charting continues. We've honed in on when Jen ovulates, and all seems properly in place with that phase of things. Next worry - the luteal phase. That is the phase in between ovulation and menstruation. This is the countdown clock on how long the fertilized egg has to implant itself and start growing into an embryo. If you have a short luteal phase, you might fertilize the egg, but not be able to sustain a pregnancy.

Jen's luteal phase decided to fake us out. She saw spotting and thought it was ending after 10-11 days. Shorter than 10 days is a sign of trouble. This may mean low levels of progesterone, which is fixable, with pills that make you crazy. But the luteal phase was just playin', and the indicator - a sustained high temperature, has not dropped, and she has not actually started menstruating. So her luteal phase is probably more like 12 days, which is in the range of normal. 14 would be best. Jen is very stressed right now due to work concerns, and stress makes adrenaline which basically eats up progesterone. So a new job for me. Bringing down the stress level when she's home.

wedding

2007-03-22T14:54:00.000-05:00

life has been hectic for the past few weeks. I was the maid of honor in a friend's wedding. The wedding was lovely and featured the biggest buffet I'm likely to ever see at a private function, but there were those inevitable minutes of feeling left out of the hetro revelry. Smarda wasn't trying to make me feel left out or awkward, quite the opposite, but a straight person wedding (unless the straight people are extremely understanding...whatup frank and laura!) is a special hell, full of those moments. At a wedding, straight married people LITERALLY GET PRIZES for being married. Its just a million little jabs. The first romantic couples dance. Of course I wanted to dance with Jen. But would that make anyone else uncomfortable? Lets not draw attention to ourselves. We wanted to kiss, but didn't. Let's not draw attention to ourselves. Just like on the street, in the subway, best not to draw too much attention to ourselves. Its their day. Their celebration of heterosexual love. And great for them. I really had a terrific time. But it just sucks when you can't kiss your girlfriend when all the boys are kissing theirs.

Which makes me wonder about how it will be in these situations when we have a child. Easier because we'll be a family? Harder because we'll have to defend our family? My intern was raised by a mom who was in relationships with women for most of her young life, and she said no one really cared as much as you'd think. I wonder. And even if they don't care that much, even if just some people care a little, I'll still feel it. And what a peculiar feeling it is. The sting of a wet slap. Then a little woosh of breath, someone pushed hard on my sternum. A pinprick sting finishes it off. All different little hurts, and I'm a little sad and a little angry cause now I've got a sharp pain, a dull pain and lots of little scars that don't show.

2007-03-07T11:26:00.000-05:00

Jen and I had a conversation with Kevin and he officially withdrew his offer to ejaculate into a cup for us. More than that, we had discussed some sort of co-parenting option, but Kevin just doesn't feel ready for a child right now and I totally understand that. We weren't surprised by this news, but it seemed necessary for everyone to get things out in the open. The way he dealt with this, the way he's dealing with other emotional issues these days, all show me that Kevin is a great man, and will one day be a great father, if he chooses to become one. In the meantime, he's a fabulous friend, and will be a great male role model for the kids that Jen and I have.

Jen and I have been enjoying putting the horse before the cart and obsessing over baby names. We feel good about girl's names, but boys names are harder, especially considering we're going to saddle the child (and ourselves) with a 14 letter hypenated last name. We went to MOMA recently and drooled over the Stokke Tripp Trapp Chair, a vast improvement both functionally and aesthetically over traditional high chairs. Stokke makes a bunch of other awesome children's furniture but the chair is the only thing we could realistically pay for. I played Mega Millions, attempting to win the record high 370 million jackpot but didn't manage to do so. How will I ever afford all the things my theoretical baby needs?

getting to know you

2007-03-03T10:38:00.000-05:00

Jen peed on a stick this morning. This is a new addition to our charting routine. She has to turn on the incredibly expensive ($200 is the usual price for the machine, the sticks you pee on are $50 a pack) Clearblue Easy Fertility Moniter and when it tells her to, to pee on a stick that the machine then reads. The machine can understand your pee, and tells you when your days of low, high and peak fertility are. Today was the first time it asked for a stick of pee, and we were excited to see what it would say in response, but didn't expect to see a high fertility sign, since its not even near time for Jen to be ovulating. Reading the manual, we learned that the first cycle, the machine might give you tons of high fertility signs, until it learns what the baseline levels of hormones are for that particular user, and can read changes in those levels accordingly. So basically, my girlfriend and a machine have a little get-to-know you date every morning. I'd be jealous, but although she is indeed Easy, I know I'm way cuter than Ms. Clearblue.

a conceptual art

2007-03-01T20:19:00.000-05:00

Making a baby is part of our life now. We're not planning it or thinking about it, we're working on getting it done. Since we've internalized what we need to do for the charting phase of this work, most of our adjustments are now smaller and more incremental than they have been in recent weeks.

We've called sperm banks and made preliminary decisions about which ones make us feel comfortable, but since we're not inseminating for months yet, we can't pink a donor right now; his sperm might be sold out by the time we needed it. If there were someone we absolutely loved, we could buy now and have it stored, but the only one we were obsessed with - a Peruvian/Italian/Chinese donor who enjoyed magical realism - was too crazily perfect. I am a Peruvian/Italian/Tunisian who enjoys magical realism; we would have been absolutely thrilled with this donor, and hearing the depressing news that he's no longer available made us skittish about getting attached to sperm before we know what's really going to be on the market when we need it.

We chart, and hope other Peruvian/Italian/something or others find their way to the sperm bank. We've got time to wonder where a baby would specifically, physically fit in our home, in our arms, in the space between us. Its good and exciting and the pace of things seems reasonable. Having envied straight people for their ability to just happen upon pregnancy, I now realize that this time for thought and conversation and planning is a true luxury.

How long will this luxurious period last? And will it stretch far beyond what we need, or what we can bear? I do not let myself think about this possibility. My imagination acts on me very strongly. Once, reading about girls with a psychosomatic rash gave me a psychosomatic rash. I honestly believe my imagination may have unintentionally played a small part in the death of Rose Kennedy. I cannot imagine we will experience a prolonged failure to conceive. I will not.

Instead, my focus is on doing my part to the best of my abilities. I take Jen's temperature every morning at the same time. If I am 2 minutes off schedule, I resolve to improve. I read up on how to defrost a vial of frozen sperm, exactly how fast or how slow the ideal release of sperm should be, exactly how close to the cervix, exactly what role an orgasm plays in conception, exactly when in relation to that orgasm sperm should come on the scene. These are things I will be mostly in charge of and in doing them I will most fucking definitely do everything I can to make conception as likely as possible.

Conceptualization of conception is an unexpected turn-on. I'm gonna fuck my girlfriend until she's pregnant. I find that insanely hot.

things speed up

2007-02-20T22:45:00.000-05:00

Suddenly the process is on fast forward. I'm terrified of turning my back on Jen for a second, only to turn back and find her nine months pregnant, in labor, holding our 2 year old child.

And yet, all that we've increased is the rate of information gathering. While we've talked about sperm, placed phone calls regarding sperm, read frequently asked sperm questions, priced sperm, and argued about sperm, we still have no sperm. There is no way in hell Jen could be pregnant. But we're indisputably closer to being pregnant than we ever were before.

Jen's told me about a language that had lots of words for women in different stages of pregnancy, but no one word for pregnant. Women were one thing when they had just concieved, something else when they were a few months in, something else nine months in. I always thought that sounded nice becuase it seemed less horrible to miscarry. You didn't do it wrong, you didn't lose a baby. You were x but not y. You were truly x. Not simply a failure at y.

Now I realize the way this works. Acknowledging conception and pregnancy and birth as a process and not some unfathomable chunk of a woman's life ruled by fairy tales or miracles.
It is work that takes a long time and is difficult to do properly.

I hate that I can't just make sperm or magic some out of an orifice I never noticed I had. I hate that we'll have to save lots of money and spend it all buying sperm that will never be as likely to make a baby as sperm fresh from the source. I hate that we can't just fall into bed and wake up a family.

But I love that I get to learn what this really is. I love that instead of just magicking up a family, we get to really build one.

Its hard. We're charting Jen's fertility. Part of this involves recording her temperature every morning before she has gotten out of bed. Before she's even sitting up. Which means I have to be up even earlier and able to locate the thermometer and pen. I don't mind getting up early, I usually do anyway, but now its not a choice.

We're also charting fertile mucous. Jen doesn't like to talk about the mucous, but it's important, and she's monitering that on her own. The mucous is actually not even the most disturbing possible thing to chart. Some people actually break out a speculum and look at their partner's cervix on a regular basis. That sounds horrible on an immense amount of levels and I know I've chosen the right girl when she says that I will never fucking ever under any circumstances come eye to cervix with her.

We'll also chart some results that the extremely expensive clearblue easy machine Jen ordered will give us. I don't exactly know what that is supposed to tell us, but all of this together should give us some picture of when she's ovulating. After a few months of this, we'll be able to decide what days are appropriate for inseminating.

INSEMINATING!

Its not time yet, but Jen's kind of gotten obsessed with picking sperm. I'm sort of obessessed too, but not AS obsessed. Its the fun part of all the data collection. What is the other half of this baby?

Sperm selection is fraught though. Jen and I are pretty good at communicating, good at working through problems instead of attacking each other with them. But even for us, this is a tough one. What do we each want our baby to be? Why do we want these things? Do we even know? Can we talk about those reasons aloud? Without revealing parts of ourselves we've worked hard to keep hidden? Its sort of like the drama that comes from being in a prom limo with someone, but like, if you were going to be in that prom limo for eternity. SHOULD WE GO WITH THE SUV LIMO? WOULD A PARTY BUS BE BETTER???!!

My line in the sand is skin color. I am brown. Olive toned. Tan year round. I often get comments about my skin color, ranging from the complimentary "You have such nice a skin color" to the disturbingly ignorant "How did you dye your skin that color?" Being a person of mixed race is a big part of my identity, and very much affects the way I am able to move through the world, and informs my world view. It is something I am proud of, and I feel I have a lot of information to share regarding this subject. I think being multiracial is something that marks me as part of my nuclear family, and I'd like my child to have that signifier too.

Jen is sympathetic to those things, but MUCH more concerned about motility. She wants the sperm most likely to get her pregnant, with appearance taking a backseat to that issue. She thinks it will be ok as long as the baby has dark hair and dark eyes. She's worried that some donors I like for their olive toned ancestry will actually end up producing a baby that looks nothing like either of us. I remind her that as half the child's genetic material belongs to her, it can't help but look like her at least a little...but she's still wary.

These are difficult conversations to have.

moms

2007-02-16T08:12:00.000-05:00

Jen feels that she can't tell her mother that we are going to be trying for a baby. Her mother loves her very much, and is a very intelligent woman, but she has a lot of feelings of anxiety, and she wants to keep Jen very very safe, and it all comes out sometimes as painful criticism. Jen thinks that if we tell her mom, her mother will discourage us and insist that we are too poor, that Jen is too old, things that wouldn't be helpful at all, especially considering we are NOT broke and Jen is NOT old.

I feel terrible though. Of course Jen wants to share this with her mother but not if its going to be demoralizing. I told Jen her mom would probably say the same things if she were with a man though, which made us all feel better. Still, we're so happy about this. It hurts not to be able to share that.

Which isn't to say I've told my whole family. I did tell my mom that we were considering it. She says things like "When you guys have a baby..." usually the sentence ends with "you're not going to be able to do this anymore." I'm glad she's conceptualizing it, even if its in a way that means I'll have no life ever again after the baby comes.

2007-02-16T08:06:00.000-05:00

The superlesbian ob/gyn gave us the go ahead to officially start trying.

In the past few weeks, we've been researching sperm more and more. None of it has thrilled me yet, but I think in part that's because I've been looking at it accepting an unknown man into my family, and into my girlfriend, but really, I have to think of it as information we're using to build our baby, a baby that I'm putting into my girlfriend. That makes it better. I'm actually very excited to put sperm in her now. VERY EXCITED.

our friend.

2007-02-16T07:40:00.000-05:00

Our friend, who we hoped would be our known donor, is having some heavy thoughts that don't seem compatible with being prepared for baby crafting. Last time we hung out he said that heaven must be finite, and there isn't space enough for all the physical bodies, implying that then heaven must either be a lie, or a very very selective VIP club. I argued that of course heaven in infinite and not physical, but spiritual. And there we will be free from the bounds of our bodies, ageless and enjoying an existance that far surpasses what we understand now. Heaven is the opposite of the limitations we experience as humans. That conversation in and of itself does not seem to preclude making babies, but the reasons we were having it do. A friend of his committed suicide a year ago. He does not trust this world anymore, or apparently, the next either.

2007-02-04T08:44:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid I used to get Zoobooks, a magazine that features a different animal every month. They'd talk about the animal's environment and what it ate and who ate it and basically just give you all you ever wanted to know about koalas or tree frogs or whatever. Every month there was one page that scared the shit out of me, a page where they did cutaway diagram of the animal, revealing its muscular structure and bones. Every time I tured to that page I would get chills up my back and in my hands. It never failed to startle, even if I had read the magazine several times. The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth is a little like that. The information is fascinating, but sometimes you turn a page and suddenly your nose is a photo of someone's cervix. Unlike Zoobooks, the New Essential Guide is in black and white. Good thing too. If the drawing entitled "A Woman Using A Desk Lamp, a Hand Mirror, and Speculum to Look at Her Cervix" was in color, I might just have to rip it out and frame it.

I'm learning a lot about the cervix though. I'm also learning a lot about mucus and breast milk and all sorts of other fluids that I never spent much time on previously. Especially sperm.

If our chosen donor doesn't work out for one reason or another, we've decided that we'll go to a sperm bank. We had no idea what sperm costs or how you get it or anything, so we went online and started crusing sperm. Information abounds. Nordic people apparently love to jerk off into a container. There are sperm banks that specialize in Norse sperm, and even ones that don't have tons of Nordic donors listed. Latinos apparently DON'T like to jerk off into a container, which sucks for us if we do end up going this route since I'd prefer a baby that ends up a little olive toned (like me) instead of a little Viking toned.

If I weren't getting so invested in this process, I'd have a lot of things to say about the way the sperm donors are classified. Often there are three tiers - sort of a bargain basement grab bag where you have less information and older sperm, a general everyman pool, and then an elite section of people who've earned PhDs or distiguished themselves in some other way. I find myself revealing odd predjudices. I could give a shit about a PhD, but a Master's Degree is very desirable. I refuse to let Jen get inseminated by anyone who is a chiropracter, or a dentist. A vet would be better than a medical doctor. No one exclusively science or math oriented. Columbians over Mexicans. Cubans over Columbians.

Weight, height, ethnicity, eye color, hair color, blood type, career, education are the basics you can find on most sperm bank websites. But reading the essays is most revealing. Does he write in full sentences? Does he start his essay with "My most memorable experience is when I saw a UFO?" I think if we found someone who knew how to use a semicolon, he'd shoot to the top of the list even if he was 2 feet tall and 800 lbs.

Its all just information now. Hopefully our known donor will work out. But if he doesn't, I'm going to have to spend more time thinking about men than I ever have in my life. Learning about them. Imagining them.

the future comes apace

2007-01-25T14:05:00.000-05:00

More activity, more excitement, more nerves. Jen has lined an appointment with the superlesbian ob/gyn. When she called the superlesbian, she was asked if she was currently pregnant or trying to concieve. The superlesbian will only see people engaged in babycraft. Jen answered that yes, she was trying to concieve, and was granted an audience. I guess we are, but now that its checked off on a form somewhere that sounds quite factual and immediate, when before it was a plan we were working on making a reality.

I understand its not like she'll go in there for a visit and walk out with a toddler, but these doctor visits definetely signals the start of the physical baby making, which will hopefully eventually result in a physical baby.

I begin to see that this process is really about information. Deeper into it, I'm sure I'll lose this perspective and become terribly emotional, but right now I feel like I'm mapping out the road ahead in terms of how much we know and when we know it. Moving ahead depends upon us organizing the information correctly, putting the right codes together at the right time. We didn't know a doctor, I had to request information about who to request information from and now we do. We don't know if how likely it is Jen will be able to concieve, soon tests will be done, results will be gathered and we will have that information. And assuming that information is favorable, we'll have to chart and time and record until we have the information that indicates to us it is the right time to attempt to join the information encased in egg and sperm to create a new body of information, a new body.

Maybe I'm high on library science fumes but I don't think I'm wrong. If I'm being too unpoetic, I suppose this could also be configured as a quest story. Which would give names and voices to all of these people, the kind witches that help us with spells and talismans, the inevitable evil trolls that will mock us or stand in our way. But even told in a fanciful manner, its still a story about exchanges of information, who has it, who wants it, when we get it, if it is used for good or for evil, if its enough to help us solve the puzzle, beat the sphinx and win the day.

We continue to begin.

2007-01-20T08:57:00.000-05:00

Things are starting to happen, slowly, slowly but surely. Jen has set up a GP appointment to make sure she's in general good health and we got a recommendation for a fabulous gyno who is some sort of superlesbian and delivers 30 babies a day. Ok, maybe a month. Regardless, she loves pussy in both a medical and romantic sense, which means she has both knowledge and empathy for us and that's the important thing.

I said this felt like being told to climb a monolith. I was being dramatic. And isolationist. Tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of women have gone through this process, and there is information, but you have to reach out and find it. I've never been much of a joiner and neither is Jen, and words like "prospective lesbian parents support group" make us both cringe. But we need help from people who know how this happens. So I've reached out online. We actually found the superlesbian ob/gyn through my postings to several LiveJournal groups. People with info were more than happy to share and people without info enthusiastically congratulated us and wished us good luck. In real life, I hang out with straight girls and gay boys and my girlfriend. The lesbian community in NYC has always struck me as cliquish and shallow and not a little predatory. It was such a pleasant surprise to find that another lesbian community in another place...well, in many places at once...might be helpful to us, might hold some some relevance in my life.

Meanwhile I've sent off my applications to librarian school. I'm very excited about this, but I'm getting concerned about what this will do to our financial situation. No matter what, I'm not going to incur any more terrifiyingly large loans. I'll go to a private university only on full scholarship, and I'll be equally if not more thrilled to go to city college, because it is dirt cheap and a great school. But thinking beyond tuition, the idea is, if I go full time, I can put my previously held student loans on deferment and maybe save some money and get somewhere with my credit cards. But the money needs to be coming in from somewhere, which means I'll also need to work as much as possible. Atlantic is fun, sometimes, but mainly really hideously annoying. Its also a job that requires a lot of focus for not a great deal of pay-off which is really just the opposite of what I'm looking for if I enter into a full time school situation. If I had my druthers, I'd like to make the bulk of my money through tutoring. It requires very little focus for basically the same hourly amount as Atlantic. Or, if I hustle and get myself a raise, then a better hourly rate. But I've had trouble getting Kaplan to give me jobs lately. I think, I hope its just my lack of seniority, but it makes me worry about leaving my now-full-time job to depend more on income from them. The solution I've decided on is to cross train for two other tests, the LSAT and the GMAT. Hopefully, by increasing the amount of tests I am able to tutor/teach, I better my chances of actually landing some assignments. The other solution is to scrap Kaplan, scap Atlantic and just look for the most lucrative possible job I can get. But while the money is appealing, I have no idea what that job might be and it makes no sense just jumping into a new field for the cash when I'm just starting in school for something else. While I'm getting paid, I need to leave my options at least somewhat open to avail myself of library related employment opportunities that I'm sure will come my way once I start school.

I've never thought this strategically about my future before.The pitiable state of my savings account is evidence of the fact I've never thought seriously about saving money in my life. It's always just be a question of whether I could pay my loans, pay my cell phone bill, pay my rent. But we're doing this, we're starting to do this, and we need money to keep doing it. From a sustainer, I need to become a provider.

envy

2007-01-04T17:05:00.000-05:00

I've been away from this project for a while. Jenstill hasn't gone to the doctor. She works late, the holidays intervened. We mean to, but we haven't. I think part of it is just scheduling, but I think another part of it is looking up at what a monolith and being told to climb it with no equipment or prior experience or guide or money to acquire any of the above. Just go ahead, climb it. You want what's up there? Climb.

Its daunting.

Most of the time, I feel it is a priveledge to be gay. Sure, there's predjudice and lack of equal rights and hate crimes and funny looks. But that doesn't hurt as much when I realize how much I've learned about myself and other people as I have processed all of those negative things. One example is that personal homosexual life experience lets me know for a fact my family actually loves me for who I really am. Not to mention that I love me for who I really am. And I get to love and be loved by Jen, which is the best part of all.

So, yeah, most of the time, I think its cool and lovely and exciting and interesting and perfect and great to be gay. But I am really really really jealous of heterosexual people right now. I am jealous that a heterosexual couple can decide to have a baby and without paying for anything or involving anyone else, just go ahead and make that happen. Of course there are infertile people who have to seek outside assistance. But I mean, assuming everything is ok...its just them and they get to make a baby. I AM SO JEALOUS.

I will get over this. I'm just frustrated right now because we want to have a baby but instead of just sexin' one out, we have to think about involving a lot of other people at what I'm sure will end up being considerable cost before we even have an embryo on our hands. It is stressful and daunting. I just wish we could make a baby ourselves, simply because we love each other so much.

But like I said, lots of other queer hurts have turned into experiences I treasure and relish. I hope this will too. I'm sure it will. I'm just not at that stage yet. Right now, I'm at the stage where it fucking sucks.

If we don't look good, we don't look good.

2006-11-20T13:08:00.000-05:00

Today at work they handed out these one sheet calendars. Looking at all the dates that will comprise 2007 and 2008, I first looked to see where my birthday will fall (monday, labor day, nice! and wednesday, eh.) and then I thought "Hey! If all goes according to plan, my theoretical future baby's birthday will be one of these days I am looking at right now!"

That slightly scary. I mean, all of these dates fit on an 8.5x11 sheet, with room left over to advertise 18 musicals and the Broadway.com phone number. It isn't that much time. But mostly, it was thrilling, in a positive way. As much as I have no idea what I'm doing, no savings, no home equity, no property at all, no car, and no idea how I'll be able to deal with life if Jen can't pay attention to me almost constantly, I really do want us to have this kid.

There was an article in the New York Times Sunday Magazine yesterday - about gay men and lesbians redefining nucler familes. The main cases they focused on were lesbian couples who went with a known donor. Basically, the article attempted to explore how the known donor - be he friend or acquaintence - fit into the life of the child. Although the article didn't put any thing radically new on the table as far as my knowledge of these things goes, it was interesting to see how people tried to organize themselves ahead of time, and how things inevitably turned out differently than they expected.

Mainly the differences between expectation and reality fell into three categories:
1. The donor reacted differently to having a child than he anticipated - usually on the side of wanting more and more consistent contact with the child than was initially agreed upon.

2. The mothers reacted differently to having the donor in the child's life than anticipated - usually wanting him around less, or possibly actively disliking him, or possibly breaking up and having to deal with a third parent or quasi parent i the visitation schedule.

3. The child is the real wild card. The main thing that threw one family for a loop was when their son was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 5. With a seriously ill, possibly dying child, the donor became more of a dad. The kid got better and the donor dad wanted to fade back to his old, less active role. The non-bio mom was upset. The donor dad's partner was upset. On the cover of the magazine, the kid looked pale, but fine.

For several reasons, I feel that my child, and my child's life, should be exemplary. Some of it has to do with how I was raised, how my family views achievement, but much more of it has to do with the fact that I am queer. Lots of queers that I know have implicitly and explicitly agreed. We have to be better than everyone else.

Coming out is a process whereby you recognize that you are different than the majority. Whatever you think at first or have been taught about your difference being a liability has to go out the window. In order to combat self loathing, you instead enter a period of intense and gorgeous and extremely annoying self love. Worship even. And you're hideous. But you have to do this to break away from the conventions of society. You can't allow yourself hear anyone else, or think that there's even the slightest possiblity youd' be wrong or you'd never come out. You'd hate yourself and hurt yourself, which may be what you had been up to before. To stop that you have to come to a point where you say say "I am special, I am not bad or evil or sick or wrong or mistaken. I am excellent. And SO right."

It fades. But a part of it has to stick. Or else every time someone voted against gay marriage or ambushed a poor fag and beat the shit out of him or looked sideways at you on the subway for holding a girl's hand or asked you why you didn't have a boyfriend, it would totally fuck you up. And as you build a life as a queer person, and become sucessful in a relationship or in your career or in your social circle, the feelings of worth come less from an inflated sense of self, and more from an actual sense of self - pride in your accomplishments, evidence that you are worthy and normal (as far as anyone can be) and you were right all along.

So once you've proved it to yourself, you have to go on and prove it to everyone else. Because as much as you know you're right, the bashing and the slurs and the fact that people openly hate and are frightened of you really hurts. So you have to be better than everyone else. For some people that means earning more money. For some people that means being as non-mainstream as possible. For me, that means raising the best, healthiest, smartest, funniest, funnest, most creative, high tech, down home, retro futuristic traditional queer family I can manage.

You know that all along when I was saying "you" I meant "me" right?

So. Now that we've decided on a known donor (assuming he has enough sperm. A tale for another day) and know that I know dealing with a known donor can be a complex, shifting proposition, we've gotta do it, not just well, extremely well. With legality and panache. With witty banter and wry observations falling out of pretty mouths at every step. With everyone looking hot and making their parents proud. If MY queer nuclear family is on the cover of the New York Times Sunday Magazine in 10 years, we will not look like four John Goodmans (2 male, 2 female) and a cancerous child. We will be slim and genius. We will glow with organically grown good health.

Ironically enough, I think the key is being mutable. All the people in the article had lined up a life and were surprised when they didn't get to live exactly that. I am not opposed to changing my vision of the future. As long as we all continue to excel the hell out of everyone doing whatever the fuck it is we end up doing.

our family

2006-11-14T19:21:00.000-05:00

Jen's (recently) 21 year-old brother is living with us at the moment. He is a nice enough child, but a giant child nonetheless. I am perfectly comfortable with him feeding and walking our dogs, watching our apartment, even keeping his area of it fairly neat. He holds down a job and an internship, does his own laundry, and pays for his own drinks.

I am decidedly less comfortable with his ability to do things like make plans, follow directions to arrive at a location, or choose a television program that doesn't make my skin crawl with loathing for the likes of someone with such as ridiculous name as Zach Braff.

The point is, having him here is more hands-on than I anticipated when Jen asked me 9 months ago if this arrangement would be OK. He can support himself, but he would eat only macroni and cheese and cupcakes if left to his own devices. He isn't terribly messy, but he has no idea that the back of a dining room chair is not the appropriate location for his sweaty t-shirts to "air out." And most of all, he has a few friends in town, but he really really really really likes hanging out with his family. Which apparently includes me.

Jen is most certainly family. And I love her mom and get along fine with her father and stepmother. But I never really said, ok, well, this whole bunch of people is my family now too. I thought about it in vague terms, christmas presents were exchanged, holidays visits were made. But in the months that lil' bro has been in town, in home, this vague academic notion of joining the clan has become a day to day reality. When the "Nagle!" rallying cry goes up, I am called upon to respond. With enthusiasm!

the beginning (cont.)

2006-11-11T18:24:00.000-05:00

Over the past few years, we've certainly discussed having children. I've known for quite some time that Jen wants to be pregnant and give birth to a child. We've even talked about possible donors. We've agreed we'd prefer it to be someone we know. We agreed on who, of the people we know, we'd most like it to be. We, well, mostly Jen, have had conversations with this person. Most of the time they've had these conversations, I haven't been around for the serious part.

At first I was touchy about the idea of a known donor being active in parenting. In the state where we live, for me to be a second parent adopter, the donor would have to sign away all parental rights and I felt it should end there. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I was being extremely selfish. I know that however we concieve or recieve a child, I will be extremely involved in its upbringing. Ideally, I want to be a stay-at-home mom, at least until the child reaches school age. And if I am, on a day-to-day level, parenting, then how shitty of me to say well, no, no one else is allowed to love my child. Technically, our child. If we end up with a known donor who wants to parent, on any level, as long as its something consistent and positive in the child's life, I think it would be a great thing. There's plenty of things a man...especially a gay man (and all the men we're considering are gay)...can teach I child that I have no fucking clue about. Mainly about penises, of course. But I'm sure there's other stuff.

So, we've talked about it. But its all been talk. We have no money and many goals. We'd like to be more stable, buy a house, at least a car, at least have some money in the bank. There are career goals, schools and certificates we'd each like to earn, positions to jockey for, and back to money again, more of that too. Since we're in a position where baby making cannot happen spontaneously, we, or at least I (but yeah, I think we), feel required to prepare for this at least as hard and as well as I prepared for grad school.

And then, at the annual Halloween party the other day, my friend Amy, who is an OB/GYN, asked how old Jen is. "34" I answered guilelessly, unleashing a torrent of information about what insurance will or will not do for a 35 year old woman and why. With drinks in everyones hands and me dressed like Michael Jack and Amy dressed like the Muppet Swedish Chef, I got intimately aquainted with the reality of a 35 year old woman's eggs.

I didn't know if I should tell Jen, but of course I fucking did. Because I love her and because she wants this and because we do want a family so we might as well face facts. And so, we begin. We've had a conversation and the idea is to take things one step at a time.

Step One. Jen goes to the gynocologist. She's going to the glbt medical center, which is awesome and needs our insured support. She'll get a checkup and talk to the doctor about our intentions. I've been slightly irked because she's put off making an appointment for a few weeks now. I know she's busy at work and she's concerned about hearing potentially de-railing news, but a)she needs to go anyway and b) we need to know if we should be investigating other options. This week and again today, she did finally call, but they weren't open for making appointments. I'm impatient for the first step to be taken.

the beginning

2006-11-11T10:29:00.000-05:00

First, the situation.

I am 27, she is 34. We are both women, and we love each other, have loved each other for over three years now. We met because she read my blog. Well, to be honest, I posted excerpts on craigslist, hoping to entice readers, some of whom would hopefully be cute. She read the cl post, and came on over. But she remained a quiet reader for a month or two, finally commenting in response to my scintillating (seriously, I think it was) review of the final episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I wrote back, I thought she was smart. Her comments were complimentary and thought provoking and based in social theory we were both reading in graduate school. After a few rounds of email, I invited her out to see my friend Julia do standup/storytelling at a lesbian bar. She accepted. I thought she'd be ugly because she was so smart and funny. I figured I'd make a friend.

She was so gorgeous I literally could not believe it was the girl I had been writing to. So much so that I turned and walked out of the bar, saying to myself, "we'll I'd hit on that cute girl, but I'm supposed to meet someone else. That'd be rude. But if I go and get pizza and come back and that hot girl is still there, I'll buy her a drink." Thankfully, she had my number and called me. Once I realized the hot girl and the smart funny girl were one and the same, I was back in a jiffy.

Julia was performing as part of an open mike night and the rest of the performers were entirely hideous. But the girl was sticking by my side and I was whispering in her ear and it was all extremely exciting. Mixed messages again when she literally ran for a cab, calling goodbye over her shoulder. No kiss? No future plans? I was confused. "She liked you." my friends assured me. "She has a GREAT rack." Julia said. And Julia isn't even gay.

When I woke up in the morning there was an email from her. Apologizing for the dash and inviting me out to dinner. I accepted, we had a six hour first date, a 24 hour second date and things continued on apace.

We don't fit too many lesbian stereotypes. No one is butch, no one is femme, while I do household repairs, she deals with mice. But we did move in together soon after we began to date. We met in June and moved in together in November. 5 months. If you stretch it. My thinking was, "I'll know if this works. If it doesn't, it wouldn't have anyway. If it does, we'll be together forever."

And it turned out to be the latter