Where were we with this sordid tale?

April and May. A lot happened. Lets start at the beginning. Jen is seeing a new doctor. Someone who deals in fertility, not just ob/gyn. At the new doctor's, they did some tests. The results were...not what we wanted to see. Levels that should be low were high.

We sort of freaked out about that. Maybe it meant that Jen didn't have a lot of eggs left. Or the ones she did have weren't good eggs. That news came on the same day that I got a job offer that I was very interested in, a job offer that would radically change what had become a familiar schedule for us. It was a big day. Stressful. I scooted myself into an empty rehersal studio at my office and talked to Jen on my cell for almost an hour.

The initial upset led us to discuss something fairly huge. Me carrying instead of Jen. I'm happy to do it, if we have to, but I'm not happy for Jen not to carry a biological child of her own. She wants that. *I* want that. I love Jen and a baby like her, who looks like her, and has her very very very special ways about it, it would give me great joy to spend time with that child. A child who has me in it...well, that is...less appealing. I'm sure I'll love it in the end, but that hasn't been how I conceptualized the deal. Especially the part about me being a stay at home mom. Being a stay at home mom to a baby I birth...is a whole different prospect than being a stay at home mom to a baby Jen carried. I wanted and want our little alterna happy family plan.

When Jen eventually spoke to the doctor, he told her that our freak out might be a bit premature. He didn't believe that the numbers had a direct correlation to the eggs left, and there were some other tests to do first. So my uterus is on deck. Jen's still at the plate. The dreaded HSG. She did it, on valium, and the result was, her tubes were fine. Clear. Then some more bloods.

Another #. This time, should be high, was low. Not ideal. But the doctor says we can try. So we stuck to our June insemination plan. The derailing of that in the next excruitating installment.

The sperm bank is releasing a slew of new donors, but most of them probably won't be ready in time for our next insemination in june. They did let us have a sneak peek at the first two guys who will be coming onto the market - one seems like an ass, but smart, and the other seems really sweet but was a mediocre student. His father was valedictorian though and went to MIT, so we have to hope he's got some smart genes in there somewhere. Plus, he likes old english sheepdogs. *I* like old english sheepdogs. We'll go with him.

The most important thing is that this donor is healthy, young, and this sperm hasn't been frozen for a long time. But I would be lying if I said he was my ideal donor. And I feel really horrible and shallow because my main reservation is cosmetic. He didn't do exceptionally well at school, but I felt there was an emotional openness to his communication that was appealing and intelligent in its own right. He loves to travel, which is a really positive trait that speaks of other great qualities like curiosity and friendliness and lack of timidity. But he's blond.

As the non-carrying partner, I have to align myself with the donor. I look for places where I overlap with him. With this donor, the very positive qualities this person clearly has - friendliness, enthusiasm, confidence, aren't things I lack at this stage of my life, but they aren't qualities that came naturally to me, or what I would list first on an accounting of what I like most about myself. My list would be less sunny, more inwardly focused. I am happy but only because I can critically analyze my surroundings, only because I can spend time withing myself, imagining. This guy doesn't seem to have to or want to do that sort of thinking. And I guess I just feel like the blondeness is the external signifier of this outgoing person's difference from me.

Outgoing. That's what it is. I object to him being naturally outgoing.

I realize this is ridiculous. Getting Jen pregnant is the goal, and the raw material of this guy's genes presents absolutely nothing to object to. Being outgoing and friendly are not negative qualities. I just see them that way because they have been hard for me to attain. And I know that all those years I spent being uncertain of myself made me miss out on a lot of great opportunities. Prime example - I could have TOTALLY been hooking up with girls in high school. But no. I was a pussy. I shouldn't pretend that's a plus.

And anyway, I'll have years and years to make the child anxious and analytical, and I'm sure living in New York City will help with that too.

the genius plan.

I love the L word and Jen hates it with the firey passion of a thousand suns. Sunday nights when it airs, we inevitably decamp to our own corners, to feed our own guilty pleasures. Jen on one couch, curled up with a book that probably has a dragon illustration on the cover or maybe a gryffon, and me on the other couch, panting after my next glance at Jennifer Beals.

The L Word just wrapped up its fifth and penultimate season, and to stave off withdrawal, I decided to go back to the beginning. I got a season 1 dvd from the gay library where I volunteer and popped it in one weekend morning before Jen was awake. I do love to taunt her with my L Word, but I know there's only so far I can push her before she breaks.

The series in general focuses on the lives (and loves and libidios and ludicrously bad decisions) of a group of LA lesbians. The characters I am most interested in (and attracted to) are Bette and Tina, a committed couple who have broken up and reunited several times over the 5 seasons, and who have a child together. I like the angst, I think they're pretty and I love that they have a kid. But as much as I am Bette and Tina centric, I didn't realize how much of the first season, and in particular, the pilot episode, focused on their attempts to get Tina pregnant.

In this episode, Tina and Bette have been trying to get pregnant with ICI at home using fresh sperm for 6 months. Still not pregnant, they have decided to step it up, and are shown collecting the donor's sperm and driving to the doctor's office for IUI. The doctor checks on the sperm under a microscope and has to deliver the sad news that their donor's sperm is non-motile. They then spend a lot of time over the rest of the episode (which spans the course of a month) trying to find another donor. It all culminates in an attempt to rope a young, hot, artsy guy into a threeway to get his sperm. But he backs out when they tell him not to wear a condom, on to their seed stealin' ways. Bette and Tina then proceed to have extremely extremely hot sex and reaffirm their love and connection to one another.

People often criticize the L word for this scene, *I've* criticized the L word for this threeway scene, but watching it again, being in a similar position to Bette as I did so, I saw a lot more truth in it than I had previously. The character of Bette, as a non-carrying partner, is not solely responsible for providing sperm, but in a way, somehow being the conduit of the sperm is her only role in the conception. She's an intelligent, controlling woman, and she takes that role lightly at first - assuming that this, like the other things she's tried to accomplish, will be done, and done well in short order. But as things progress and she can't sweet talk or cajole or boss the sperm into magically appearing, she gets kind of desperate. She's so proud when she finally does come up with a donor for them, and crushed when he's not what Tina had in mind. Finally, she'll do whatever it takes to get Tina pregnant, even if it means sharing her with a random dude that neither of them is too sure of. Its a stupid move, and perhaps uncharacteristic for someone painted as so smart and composed, but its also a testament to her desire to make a family with Tina. And I can relate. I fantasize about making sperm appear for Jen.

In the threesome aftermath, before the hot sex, Bette says "That was...CRAZY."

And Tina replies "I thought it was a genius plan."

And that's how inseminating goes. It pushes you past the limits of what you previously saw as the logical boundaries of your relationship. As a lesbian, you have to move past those limits to let the idea of sperm to enter the picture in the first place. And once you have, its a constant renegotiation of those limits. So maybe some strange and otherwise untenable solutions seem like a great idea. Would we use an asian donor? Would we be open to co-parenting with a man we know well? a man we don't know well? Would we spend $200 a vial on sperm? $300? $600? Jen and I have answered most of those questions already, but now that we're going IUI, we do have consider new donors again. I'm pretty certain the search won't end in a threeway, but I don't exactly know where it will end.

Sometimes I allow myself to think past the conception process and imagine actually having a child, and what questions people might ask. I especially think about what my family will say. How did I pick a person to fill the biological gap that represents me? I am them. How did I decide? There's a process of course. Criteria and availability and timing issues. But I don't know if any answers can help them see our eventual choice for the genius plan it will have to be.

brief injury.

The new doctor asked Jen to have the basic checkup stuff done at the regular gyn. before they go ahead with the bloodwork and HSG for her next cycle. She called the gyn. to schedule it and the receptionist was apparently incredibly rude, telling her that the doctor wouldn't see her unless she is pregnant. We have heard that this doctor only accepts patients who are pregnant or trying to concieve, but that does include us and she has already accepted Jen as a patient. Jen's been going there for over a year. If there's a new rule about this or something, there are lots of other ways to convey the information without making Jen feel even shittier about not being pregnant yet. That really hurt her. It hurt us.

I've been quiet. Things got stressful. Emotional. Personal. I didn't really want to share.

We didn't inseminate in March. Because although it seemed like Jen ovulated in Feburary, she never got her period. So there were 45 days between periods. Partly, we were wondering if she was indeed pregnant, or pseudo pregnant with something possibly very injurious to Jen, like an ectopic pregnancy. I was so worried about her. She was sick, unrelatedly sick with all the viruses New Yorkers constantly pass around to each other, and I was convinced that every shiver, every feverish cold sweat was a harbinger of doom. I care very much about having a baby with Jen but not at the expense of Jen herself.

Anxiety built. I googled things to clarify and that made my brain explode with a thousand terrifying theories. We became short with each other. Our hot sex cooled. I yelled at Jen because I love her and cried because I was angry.

While I was scared of Jen having some horrible complication or disease, Jen was scared of losing her period, and her fertility forever. I didn't think that was likely the case, just like she didn't think my theories were at all founded in reality. It was like I was saying "I'm terrified you're turning into a warewolf! I'm scared for you!" and her response was "Silly! I'm not. But we really should have my growing desire to bite humans on the neck with my pointy teeth and drink their blood looked into..."None of it was really based on anything except our fears and the mythologies that each of us were clinging to.

Even as I write this I know Jen thinks about this differently. I know she thinks her fear is more founded in reality than mine. I don't mean to mitigate her concern over her fertility, or make it into silly imagination play. I just...I don't think there's evidence to lead us to the conclusion that she's infertile.

So. We didn't inseminate. We snarked and cried and grew as people and waited until TODAY, when Jen had an appointment with a doctor who could weigh in on the issue. It was just a consultation, but I'm viewing the outcome as very positive.

Presented with the information we had compiled about Jen's cycles and our insemination attempts, the doctor didn't automatically think Jen's infertile or going through menopause or any of that. He does think we should be more agressive in our insemination practices, doing IUI inseminations in his office, as opposed to ICI at home. Before our next insemination (which should end up being in June), Jen's going to have some blood taken and undergo a few tests, including an HSG, which means that they'll inject dye into her fallopian tubes to check for abnormalities or blockages. The HSG is supposed to be rather painful and Jen is scared. But generally, people seem to have an easier time getting pregnant in the cycle after having an HSG test, the dye having paved the way for the sperm to get where they need to go or some more sciency version of that concept.

The doctor is setting our timeline now. Certain tests on certain times in Jen's cycle and so on. Jen seems to be a little forlorn at the loss of control of the process. I on the other hand am relieved that this is in a doctor's hands. I like experts and authorities, and I have to admit that I can't fake my way through this one.

It sucks to see babies everywhere

On saturday, we found out that this insemination did not result in pregnancy. Our hopes had been up - Jen's luteal phase was longer than ever before, which means her period appeared later than ever before. She was cautious, but optimistic, I was flat out optimistic and cautiously terrified. But it wasn't a baby after all.

I feel sometimes like my being a little scared of it taking jinxes everything. This whole process brings about a lot of magical thinking. If I ask Jen if she has symptoms, then that ruins everything. I can't ask her today. I'll ruin everything.

None of that is true.

After we found out we were not pregnant, we went out to NJ for a Chinese New Year party. There, we ran into a baby. We had last seen him in utero, but now he was out and wearing a t-shit that said Ladies Man. He was cute. But it would have been more fun to just get wasted and not have to look at a cute baby. When we got home I went to bed and Jen stayed up and had beers alone.

Sunday, we went over to a friend's apartment in brooklyn. Having NEVER in the four+ years that there have been friends of mine living in that apartment, run into a baby there, we run into a baby there. Even younger than the Saturday baby, it was even harder to socialize with.

Jen and I are trying to embrace our young married coupledom. And I do love it. This week we've created a 6 day weekend for ourselves that will be spent doing nothing but having sex and long breakfasts and cocktails. That's what I'm terrified of changing. But since we don't know when the babycrafting will start to work, and since it costs a bunch, our young unfettered coupledom is fettered.

We try again in March.

try 3

We chose a new donor. I don't love him like I loved "Dann" but we got too attached that time. This new guy is a good guy. Healthy, smart, a little funny. His english is worse, so he comes out with some amusing shit. Favorite car - "I cherish the Ferrari for its supremecy." Who doesn't?

We inseminated last night. This was our first real try, a valid try, correctly timed and correctly executed. Every hour counted. Jen left work early, got the sperm, walked the dogs. I left work early without really explaining myself, wedged myself into the train that was miraculously waiting at the station when I got to the platform, and zipped uptown, nervous as a hurricane. I felt the same way I do on a plane. Excited and terrified at the lack of control. I listened to rap and techno to focus myself. The remix of Dreamgirls' "One Night Only" really hit the spot.

The insemination was unexpectedly hot. We have the logistics of the situation down, so its less of a slapstick event. Jen is still nervous but less so. And anyway, we just seem to be on a hot streak for the moment. So somehow it just translated the event from a weird, clinical "stick long object into lady" type thing into an actual sexual experience. Which was sexy and sweet.

After we chilled, drank wine, jen elevated her pelvis (although I think she's bad at it. I said she was the worst pelevator ever). It was a fun night. And after I felt so calm and relaxed. If a baby comes out of this, I'm sure I'll freak out again, but for the time being, I feel back in control, and i think we did a great job.

Now we wait.

disappointment

Our favorite donor of all time - Dann - was bought up. There were 20 vials left a few days ago and now there are 0 vials left. Dann was great. Now we have to find someone new.

new year

We did not get pregnant from the November insemination.

The holidays were completely out of control, running places to see different family members, Jen and I ended up apart for most of Christmas. It was truly horrible. The best part is that my mom saw how miserable I was, and we've made arrangements so it doesn't happen again. We'll just have to drive around like maniacs next year. Maybe if we have a baby by then we can get off the hook.

We're trying again this month. January. I feel good about it. We've learned that Jen has a pretty good grasp on her cycle now, she gets feelings about when ovulation is going to happen and the feelings are right. So she's steering the ship in terms of timing now.

We've been having totally hot sex. I wish I ejaculated sperm, cause this would be a fucking done deal.

I keep teasing Jen. She's tired. "Its because you have a baby inside." She's nauseated after a grilled cheese sandwich. "Its because you have a baby inside." She doesn't want to watch American Chopper with me. "Its because you have a baby inside." I figure if I just make fun of it, constantly, to a ludicous level, it will negate any disappointment we might feel if/when its proved that she does not, in fact, have a baby inside.

I hope she has a baby inside.

I know she probably doesn't.

But I don't know for sure.

I hope she has a baby inside.

I know she probably doesn't.

But I don't know for sure.

Jen is simulaneously pregnant and not pregnant. Its kind of like Schrodinger's cat.

nov. aftermath/ 2nd insem.

The day after our first november insemination, we expect to see an egg eyeball (its just a picture of an egg, but it looks like an eyeball, we call it the egg eyeball) on the fertility monitor. The point of inseminating on the night of the 11th day of jen's cycle is to catch the egg that should be released on the night of the 11th day/morning of the 12th. The fertility monitor reports no egg. We see no more fertile mucous. The OPKs are no longer strong. Ferns are gone. What?

We have a fight on the subway. Jen insinuates that I pushed her into inseminating when she felt it would be better to wait. I am confused and hurt, I though we had decided together. She apologizes. I apologize. The rest of the subway cringes, disgusted by the way we throw around the term "cervical mucous."

We decide to hold off on our second insemination. Maybe its just a glitch. Maybe. Maybe. We'll wait as long as we can. Its tuesday. We can wait til friday. Maybe saturday? We'll wait and see.

We wait. We see...confusing, conflicting things. We have thanksgiving dinner. We wait some more. Friday, Jen has STRONG OPK results. Stronger than ever before. Ok. Ok. This is it. This is the surge. We'll inseminate on Saturday. Do we see fertile mucous? Some. Ok. Saturday.

We inseminate again on Saturday. We expect the egg eyeball the next day. No egg eyeball. No egg eyeball. She's on day 23 of her cycle now and fertile mucous has come again and gone again and still no egg eyeball.

I have no idea what's going on. The monitor says she didn't ovulate and other signs say she did except not conclusively enough to say exactly when, so don't know if either of inseminations was at the right time.

First november insemination

We inseminated twice this month.

First insemination. Jen picked up the tank on friday before thanksgiving week. Two straws of semen. Approximately 16-30 million sperm ride home on the subway with Jen.

We wait for signs of ovulation. Things seem to be progressing normally for Jen to ovulate on the 12th day of her cycle. Two especially good signs - we're seeing ferning when we examine Jen's spit in the ovulation microscope and her OPKs are showing a darkening second line. We feel confident this won't be one of those longer cycles. We decide to inseminate late at night on the 11th day and during the day on the 12th day, covering as big of a window of time when an egg is likely to be present as possible.

One thing continues to trouble us though - a lack of fertile mucous. Every book and pamphlet and bossy lesbian on the internet says that fertile mucuous is the KEY element in conception. Without fertile mucous the sperm will never make it up to the egg. But we see none. What the FUCK?

On the 11th day, Jen sees some fertile mucous. Tiny fertile mucous, but it thrills us. We decide to go ahead as planned, go into the bedroom and attempt to get Jen arosed. That fails miserably. We sort of get her there, she gets exhasperated, and tells me just to stick the semen in. A few weeks ago, we ordered "Pre-seed," lube that is specifically formulated to aid in conception, or at least not kill sperm like other lubes do. I break out the Pre-seed to assist in this situation.

Hilariously, Pre-seed comes prepackaged in these large pointy plastic applicatiors that you are supposed to insert into your dry vagina and use to squeeze the lube into the vaginal canal. Eschewing that extremely uncomfortable route, I just squeeze some out, apply it with my much more comfortable and less pointy fingers, slide the sperm applicator in, and uh...applicate it.

Jen chills for a full hour with a glass of wine and an elevated pelvis, rotating every 15 minutes to get the sperm to coat the cervix.

"I feel something." she says "I feel movement".

This month we try again. I am feeling pretty good about our chances, even though a minor flurry of potentially major issues erupted over the past few days.

First, Jen's mom has been dealing with some health issues. She's not actively sick, but potentially quite sick. Its been a lot of tests and waiting and Jen being frustrated that maybe her mom wasn't giving her all the info and me trying hard to comfort my sad, frustrated baby.

While that was happening, some old debts reared their ugly heads. They are being dealt with in a practical and managable manner. But this coming out of the blue was insanely stressful, especially for Jen. And we've had to cancel a Valentine's Day vacation we were planning. It was either that or use less sperm. To which I said I was more than happy to spend a frugal Valentine's day at home with my (hopefully pregnant) baby.

THEN. At some point Jen used my phone to call her phone, to find it in the house. When she did that she saw a call to someone in my phone book identified only as "A". A past horrible experience with a girlfriend who cheated came crashing back to her, and she was terrified for days that I was cheating. She didn't say anything, but was extremely sensitive and sad. I thought it was due to the stuff with her mom and the money, but eventually weasled it out of her. I was horrified to think that she had been miserable for days! And over absolutely nothing. The "A" was just random shorthand I had used to store the number of an administrator at one of the library programs I was applying to. I felt kind of awful that Jen had thought I would cheat, but I know she was just feeling extremely low, and this experience was a lot like one that HAD ended badly, so I see why she would be quick to jump to hideous, nauseating conclusions. I felt kind of awesome that I could clear it all up and make her SO much happier so quickly. But on the whole, ugh. I can't even enjoy writing about that. Its gross.

SO>We were planning to order sperm on Monday to pick up on Tuesday. That is when Jen SHOULD be ovulating but that way we could be confident that we are right about that. On occasion Jen has elongated cycles, ovulating a full week later. And if its one of those and we bought the sperm too early, we'd be screwed, having wasted both money and sperm...So we wanted to get as many signs as possible pointing toward yes before we ordered. But then today we were going to call the sperm bank to give them a new credit card, and realized they are CLOSED for ALL of next week. So if we wanted to have it on tuesday, we had to decide that TODAY and pick it up on Friday. So we don't get those extra days to watch for signs and be sure sure sure even though things ARE looking good from the signs we have seen (ferning beginning, opk showing a line beginning to darken). We went for it in the end, but ordered less straws than planned. Also, when we did that, we realized that someone else is all up in our donor. They must have ordered 4 straws this month. I hope they get pregnant because a)that means the sperms' got juice, b) I wish them nothing but success, c) then they can stop buying MY sperm.

Through all that though, my enthusiasm has not dampened. I am very excited about this month's insemination(s). And I am more sure than ever that Jen and I are a great couple, and that one day we're going to have a great kid.

So. The temple of dendur returns tomorrow.

the truth

Our friends Frank and Laura are having a baby! This is very exciting news. Frank and Laura are terrific people, they'll make an adorable, smart baby and raise it up to be a great, bike-riding, philanthropic, theater-going member of society. There should be more people like Frank and Laura and now there will be!

Of course I was a bit jealous when I heard the news. They have tons of free sperm, and they just had fun free sex and whoop, baby! It made me wish life was just as easy for us. Just like I'm jealous when my friends with corporate jobs get giant bonuses for christmas and I get the flu. I'm just as smart and great of a person. Why should my life not be equally awesome and easy?

But I know that's silly and non-productive. I love my life. I love Jen. I wouldn't trade ANYTHING about our life together for money, or sperm, or even a baby. I love going through this process with her and learning about myself and about what she thinks and about ovulation and about sperm banks and saving money and fertile mucous and cracking her up while I stick a pipette into her vaginal canal. I'm really happy with how we live and how we live together. And having a baby isn't an end to race anyone to, or some final peice of a puzzle that has to be in place before my life can be considered complete. Trying to have a baby is an element in the larger development of my life. Actually having the baby and raising a kid will be another element. The fact that I get to share these things with a woman I am completely capitvated by, obsessed with, crazy in love over, means that no matter what happens, I am growing in a positive way, I am happy, I am satisfied, I am with her.

Doth I protest too much? Am I trying to stamp out the tiny green monster tugging on my pant leg? Am I trying to stab a stick through the yawning maw of expectations? Maybe. PART-ly. But its also the truth. I'm really happy for Frank and Laura, and I'm really happy for me and Jen.

This month we try again. Jen's probably going ovulate over thanksgiving weekend, which will be good in terms of our free time, but awkward since her great but extremely uh...inquisitive mom will be visiting. We'll be sleeping in the office on the futon, fending off the dogs, quietly attempting to achieve orgasm while her mom pads to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I swear, sometimes its It's like we're trying to concieve in a french farce or something.

results

Shortly after we inseminated we went away on vacation. We knew that our timing was off by days, but still. That hope.

Being on vacation was distracting and fun, and made it a lot easier to take when we got conclusive proof that Jen was not pregnant. But even though she had been saying she knew it hadn't taken, Jen was very very sad.

This first, small yet not unexpected disappointment makes me wonder what is to come and how I'll handle it if it is more...no. In my life, I rarely, if ever, undertake things I am not good at. I don't usually delve into areas where I don't easily and quickly succeed. In recent years, I've gotten more aquainted with the concept of effort, but I still have yet to become acquainted with the concept of failure. And I don't intend to start with this. But this isn't something I make happen just by being smart and funny. I can control when we put the sperm in, whose sperm, and how much, the knowledge I have about the process and how i treat Jen and myself, but in the end, when we put it in there, its out of our hands. I cannot personally drag the sperm up to the egg and shove them together. I can't do anything to MAKE it work.

I don't like not having control. So I fall back to what I know is mine. I imagine this working.

Next try is november. We'll be better organized, better informed. And perhaps most importantly, using more sperm. Three vials. C'mon baby.

First Insemination

We've been plotting and planning for almost a year now and then we get there, in a room, just us and the sperm and its holy shit what the fuck are we doing. Its clear now why sex and babymaking biologically comes with distracting orgasms. Becuase if you have to actually think about it, its a very very very daunting, terrifying, oh-mY-god-this-is-a-terrible-idea prospect.

In the days leading up to the event, things weren't lining up exactly right with the ovulation signs so we waited as long as we could before we had to use the sperm we bought. It was chilling in a canister in our hallway. Jen called the case The Temple of Dendur, cause it was shaped like a trapeziod, reminicent of the temple at the Met. But all our dorkhearted musuem joking aside, things were getting kind of tense. This sperm had not been cheap. Plus, Jen was getting scared. I was all like, why are you scared, why are you scared, what's to be scared about...until I experienced the totally un-relevetory reveleation that oh My GOD, she would be the pregnant one. At Andrew and TK's going away party I said to Andrew, "Wow, if I were the one attempting to biologically have a baby, I'd be TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!" As it was though, I was all, "YEAH, let me just put the tip in!"

We finally ended up inseminating on Tuesday night. The signs still weren't what we had hoped for, but time was running short. So I got home from tutoring, we had some wine and retired to the bedroom with a giant tank of liquid nitrogen.

I tried valiently to make it sexy. But its hard to make it sexy when the girl you're sexing is anxious to the point of being stiff. Finally I gave up the sexy and went for funny, which definetely helped Jen relax. And how convienent that we were laughing too, because things turned into a comedy of errors ere long.

The sperm comes in a little straw. Like, like....like Pixie Stix. Except instead of candy dust inside, its semen. And the little straw is kept frozen inside the hydrogen tank until you open it up. So finally I get jen cracking up and we're like, ok, we're gonna do it, we're totally gonna do it. I open the tank and its like jurassic park or something. The clouds of coldness rolling out and everything. It was AWESOME.

I got the little frozen straw out, and put it against my body to thaw, as suggested. I was almost naked so I tucked it in the waistband of my underwear, to keep it against my skin. A few minutes pass, it thaws, and we're like, ohhh. Now...uh...how do we get it out of this pixie straw and into the long skinny pipette (technical term - pipelle de cornier) thing the doctor gave us to use for insemination without wasting any?

So we started trying shit. I tried sticking the pipelle into the straw, to suck up the juice, but that wouldn't work, it wouldn't fit. I tried sticking the straw into the pipelle, just sort of thinking I could squirt it in, but it wouldn't fit that way either. Then we decided fuck the pipelle, lets just take the pipelle plunger thing and make the straw into a syringe of sorts. Which semi worked, but wouldn't really do what was necessary when it came to the squirting out part. Plus this makeshift solution had a jagged point that Jen did NOT appreciate.

So now basically i've been sticking random things into my girlfriend for like 20 minutes. Events have taken a rather gynecological and awkward turn here and still no one has had semen inserted into their body. So finally, we say fuck it, dump the semen into a pyrex and suck it up with the pipelle. It works amaaaaazingly well, and i realize our lesbian doctor totally knows her semen injecting business.

I try the sexy part again, and thankfully, this time I get somewhere. When Jen seems to be enjoying herself, I get the pipelle in, plunge the semen out, and then get to work making her come. I am victorious.

Jen concurs, "If this doesn't work, at least its not for lack of orgasm."

She then has to spend the next 45 minutes to an hour with her pelvis remaning elevated. Oh, yes, did I mention her pelvis was elevated this whole time? Her pelvis was elevated this whole time.

We watch Adult Swim. I forbid her to de-elevate her pelvis until after Robot Chicken. But she gets up when the Family Guy is over.

We'd been referring to this attempt as a dress rehersal, forcing our hopes down instead of up. In reality, it was more like a stumble through than a dress. But we did it. And still. This tiny ray of hope. You never know.

Ordering drama. Much of it.

I called the sperm bank to tell them I had given them the wrong address for delivery to the doctor's office. They were fine about that, but while they were on the phone, I realized I should make sure we were on the same page about this specimin being used for ICI, not IUI.

"This specimen is for ICI, right?"

"No, this is for IUI."

"Well, we want to use it for ICI."

"I guess its up to you..."

I hung up, realized I was entirely dissatisfied with that conversation and called back. Before I called back though, I spoke with Jen about what we would do if there was not an ICI specimen available for our donor, H807. We agreed on another donor we had considered in the past.

"So umm...We are doing ICI. Is this a washed specimen or unwashed?"

"This? This is washed."

"Oh, but for ICI we need unwashed."

"Well, you could try with washed."

"But that isn't going to work. I know that won't work."

"Well. You could try."

"I don't think so. Do you have any specimens for this donor that are unwashed?"

"Uh...no"

"Well, what donors do you have unwashed specimens for?"

"Oh, they're all washed!"

"All?"

"Yah."

"All the specimens are washed?!"

"Yep."

"Well, I'm sure this isn't your area, but on your website you list that you have specimens available for ICI for some donors. If you only have washed specimens, that is not true. You shouldn't say that!"

"Um."

"I need to cancel my order."

Jen was disappointed, but I, being the one who had this asinine conversation, and a few equally frustrating ones before it, I was all ready to not use that sperm bank and use someone who maybe had a clue or a shred of professionalism.

The one who had been the most together on the phone was Cryos International aka Scandinavian Sperm Bank. I had been hestitant about using them because their donors are uh...scandinavian, which I most certainly am not. But if its between a pale baby and a sperm bank that is gonna give me a fucking hassle and send me sperm that is sure to not work, I'll take a pale baby. We went back over the Cryos donors and Jen and I both got excited about the same guy.

6'1, 170 lbs. He likes reading and astin martins and Media Studies. He wrote a very sweet note on his application that says he would be very proud if we pick him. He should be fucking proud. while all the Scandinavians we look at seemed healthy and polite and smarter, or at least MUCH better educated than the avg american, this donor seems to be among the smartest and sweetest of the bunch.

We signed the requisite forms, faxed 'em in, placed our order, no problem. The lady on the phone was soooooo much more clear and informative. AND, although this is still an unknown donor deal, we can order a baby picture of our donor. Which I just did. Which will be emailed to me shortly. Which is freaking me out. The lady on the phone said he was a cute baby!

I just ordered sperm.

It was weird, but also really normal. But I guess that's what made it weird, it being like ordering a dress or a book or anything out of a catalog. Its like 10 minutes later and I still feel odd. Rather disconnected from the process of this conception which is impossible, since there is no process with out both Jen and I. I guess its just another rejiggering of expectations. Ordering the sperm isn't really emotional, but at the same time its getting me really hyped for the insemination. I've never released semen into my girlfriend before!

In an attempt to remain calm Jen and I are treating this first insemination as a dress rehersal of sorts. I mean, we understand it could full well result in pregnancy, but we have a lot to work out in terms of the logistics, so this is our trial run with only 1 unit of semen. That's a mere 12.5 million motile sperms.

But what if she actually gets pregnant?! Holy fuck!

Pride

Jen and I are at a second floor window at The Duplex, looking down on the crowd waiting for the Pride parade. We're sipping on our alchoholic pink lemonades and feeling very pleased with ourselves for snagging the prime viewing location.

Right below us there are a crowd of multicultural college kids, embodying fresh young queerness. Watching them for a while, we realize they are deaf, they are signing excitedly and you can almost hear different voices coming through in their gestures. The skinny black girl is high pitched. The guy with an afro has a drawl. The white boy has a gay accent. They remind me of my first few years at pride, pouring rum and vodka into supersized McDonald's sodas before my friends and I tore our way up and down fifth avenue.

Next to them there is a rowdy bunch of boys, flirting with all the guys and leading the crowd in chants. Two male cops linger near them, flirting with everyone.

The entire crowd is composed of little groups like these, friends and lovers and professionals and kids.

Right across the street from us, two women and thier baby have camped out. They've got chairs, coolers, friends, all surrounded by yellow CAUTION tape. The baby is a girl. She has peirced ears, and despite the hot sun and loud homosexuals, she remains unphased. The women aren't very like me or Jen. But, whatever our differences might be on the subject of knee length denim shorts worn with timberlands, we clearly agree that two women and a baby are a very real family. They just did what we're trying to do.

"Maybe we should go to that thing. That group" I say. "At the center. For lesbians trying to concieve. Maybe people have advice we can use."

Jen is non-committal.

"But" I continue, crunching an ice cube from my drink, "I hate taking advice."

Jen cozes me in the corner. "We know what to do. We just have to do it in the way that's right for us."

Pride rages.

We've decided our first insemination will be in august, because of finances mainly, and because things are kind of wild this month and next with work and weddings and acitivities. We need some quiet time, some time spent together, some time to organize our thoughts and do this proprely. August.

I'm frustrated though, since the insemination has had to be postponed. I belong to a livejournal community about women trying to conceieve (lesbians_ttc) and people just seem to be constantly posting about using fresh sperm and hey, since its fresh and free, why not just rush heedlessly into using it right this very second? Its just irritating when we have to be so deliberate about every move we make. I wish we had a lot more money, or some free fresh sperm. I wish someone would just crawl out of the woodwork, and be perfect and smart and generous and give us their semen for free until we conceive and then disappear again forever. What a fucked up wish. A magical semen font.

The other day, we went to a friend's party, a party that was chock full of lovely gay men. I was having a wonderful time, but I was also sitting there coveting their sperm. I'm really becoming disturbed.

I'm trying hard not to become bitter... I know the way we're doing things is the way we need to do them, what is appropriate for us. But I really want this. I feel like we're stuck at stage -1.