the future comes apace

More activity, more excitement, more nerves. Jen has lined an appointment with the superlesbian ob/gyn. When she called the superlesbian, she was asked if she was currently pregnant or trying to concieve. The superlesbian will only see people engaged in babycraft. Jen answered that yes, she was trying to concieve, and was granted an audience. I guess we are, but now that its checked off on a form somewhere that sounds quite factual and immediate, when before it was a plan we were working on making a reality.

I understand its not like she'll go in there for a visit and walk out with a toddler, but these doctor visits definetely signals the start of the physical baby making, which will hopefully eventually result in a physical baby.

I begin to see that this process is really about information. Deeper into it, I'm sure I'll lose this perspective and become terribly emotional, but right now I feel like I'm mapping out the road ahead in terms of how much we know and when we know it. Moving ahead depends upon us organizing the information correctly, putting the right codes together at the right time. We didn't know a doctor, I had to request information about who to request information from and now we do. We don't know if how likely it is Jen will be able to concieve, soon tests will be done, results will be gathered and we will have that information. And assuming that information is favorable, we'll have to chart and time and record until we have the information that indicates to us it is the right time to attempt to join the information encased in egg and sperm to create a new body of information, a new body.

Maybe I'm high on library science fumes but I don't think I'm wrong. If I'm being too unpoetic, I suppose this could also be configured as a quest story. Which would give names and voices to all of these people, the kind witches that help us with spells and talismans, the inevitable evil trolls that will mock us or stand in our way. But even told in a fanciful manner, its still a story about exchanges of information, who has it, who wants it, when we get it, if it is used for good or for evil, if its enough to help us solve the puzzle, beat the sphinx and win the day.


We continue to begin.

Things are starting to happen, slowly, slowly but surely. Jen has set up a GP appointment to make sure she's in general good health and we got a recommendation for a fabulous gyno who is some sort of superlesbian and delivers 30 babies a day. Ok, maybe a month. Regardless, she loves pussy in both a medical and romantic sense, which means she has both knowledge and empathy for us and that's the important thing.

I said this felt like being told to climb a monolith. I was being dramatic. And isolationist. Tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of women have gone through this process, and there is information, but you have to reach out and find it. I've never been much of a joiner and neither is Jen, and words like "prospective lesbian parents support group" make us both cringe. But we need help from people who know how this happens. So I've reached out online. We actually found the superlesbian ob/gyn through my postings to several LiveJournal groups. People with info were more than happy to share and people without info enthusiastically congratulated us and wished us good luck. In real life, I hang out with straight girls and gay boys and my girlfriend. The lesbian community in NYC has always struck me as cliquish and shallow and not a little predatory. It was such a pleasant surprise to find that another lesbian community in another place...well, in many places at once...might be helpful to us, might hold some some relevance in my life.

Meanwhile I've sent off my applications to librarian school. I'm very excited about this, but I'm getting concerned about what this will do to our financial situation. No matter what, I'm not going to incur any more terrifiyingly large loans. I'll go to a private university only on full scholarship, and I'll be equally if not more thrilled to go to city college, because it is dirt cheap and a great school. But thinking beyond tuition, the idea is, if I go full time, I can put my previously held student loans on deferment and maybe save some money and get somewhere with my credit cards. But the money needs to be coming in from somewhere, which means I'll also need to work as much as possible. Atlantic is fun, sometimes, but mainly really hideously annoying. Its also a job that requires a lot of focus for not a great deal of pay-off which is really just the opposite of what I'm looking for if I enter into a full time school situation. If I had my druthers, I'd like to make the bulk of my money through tutoring. It requires very little focus for basically the same hourly amount as Atlantic. Or, if I hustle and get myself a raise, then a better hourly rate. But I've had trouble getting Kaplan to give me jobs lately. I think, I hope its just my lack of seniority, but it makes me worry about leaving my now-full-time job to depend more on income from them. The solution I've decided on is to cross train for two other tests, the LSAT and the GMAT. Hopefully, by increasing the amount of tests I am able to tutor/teach, I better my chances of actually landing some assignments. The other solution is to scrap Kaplan, scap Atlantic and just look for the most lucrative possible job I can get. But while the money is appealing, I have no idea what that job might be and it makes no sense just jumping into a new field for the cash when I'm just starting in school for something else. While I'm getting paid, I need to leave my options at least somewhat open to avail myself of library related employment opportunities that I'm sure will come my way once I start school.

I've never thought this strategically about my future before.The pitiable state of my savings account is evidence of the fact I've never thought seriously about saving money in my life. It's always just be a question of whether I could pay my loans, pay my cell phone bill, pay my rent. But we're doing this, we're starting to do this, and we need money to keep doing it. From a sustainer, I need to become a provider.



I've been away from this project for a while. Jenstill hasn't gone to the doctor. She works late, the holidays intervened. We mean to, but we haven't. I think part of it is just scheduling, but I think another part of it is looking up at what a monolith and being told to climb it with no equipment or prior experience or guide or money to acquire any of the above. Just go ahead, climb it. You want what's up there? Climb.

Its daunting.

Most of the time, I feel it is a priveledge to be gay. Sure, there's predjudice and lack of equal rights and hate crimes and funny looks. But that doesn't hurt as much when I realize how much I've learned about myself and other people as I have processed all of those negative things. One example is that personal homosexual life experience lets me know for a fact my family actually loves me for who I really am. Not to mention that I love me for who I really am. And I get to love and be loved by Jen, which is the best part of all.

So, yeah, most of the time, I think its cool and lovely and exciting and interesting and perfect and great to be gay. But I am really really really jealous of heterosexual people right now. I am jealous that a heterosexual couple can decide to have a baby and without paying for anything or involving anyone else, just go ahead and make that happen. Of course there are infertile people who have to seek outside assistance. But I mean, assuming everything is ok...its just them and they get to make a baby. I AM SO JEALOUS.

I will get over this. I'm just frustrated right now because we want to have a baby but instead of just sexin' one out, we have to think about involving a lot of other people at what I'm sure will end up being considerable cost before we even have an embryo on our hands. It is stressful and daunting. I just wish we could make a baby ourselves, simply because we love each other so much.

But like I said, lots of other queer hurts have turned into experiences I treasure and relish. I hope this will too. I'm sure it will. I'm just not at that stage yet. Right now, I'm at the stage where it fucking sucks.