First Insemination

We've been plotting and planning for almost a year now and then we get there, in a room, just us and the sperm and its holy shit what the fuck are we doing. Its clear now why sex and babymaking biologically comes with distracting orgasms. Becuase if you have to actually think about it, its a very very very daunting, terrifying, oh-mY-god-this-is-a-terrible-idea prospect.

In the days leading up to the event, things weren't lining up exactly right with the ovulation signs so we waited as long as we could before we had to use the sperm we bought. It was chilling in a canister in our hallway. Jen called the case The Temple of Dendur, cause it was shaped like a trapeziod, reminicent of the temple at the Met. But all our dorkhearted musuem joking aside, things were getting kind of tense. This sperm had not been cheap. Plus, Jen was getting scared. I was all like, why are you scared, why are you scared, what's to be scared about...until I experienced the totally un-relevetory reveleation that oh My GOD, she would be the pregnant one. At Andrew and TK's going away party I said to Andrew, "Wow, if I were the one attempting to biologically have a baby, I'd be TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!" As it was though, I was all, "YEAH, let me just put the tip in!"

We finally ended up inseminating on Tuesday night. The signs still weren't what we had hoped for, but time was running short. So I got home from tutoring, we had some wine and retired to the bedroom with a giant tank of liquid nitrogen.

I tried valiently to make it sexy. But its hard to make it sexy when the girl you're sexing is anxious to the point of being stiff. Finally I gave up the sexy and went for funny, which definetely helped Jen relax. And how convienent that we were laughing too, because things turned into a comedy of errors ere long.

The sperm comes in a little straw. Like, like....like Pixie Stix. Except instead of candy dust inside, its semen. And the little straw is kept frozen inside the hydrogen tank until you open it up. So finally I get jen cracking up and we're like, ok, we're gonna do it, we're totally gonna do it. I open the tank and its like jurassic park or something. The clouds of coldness rolling out and everything. It was AWESOME.

I got the little frozen straw out, and put it against my body to thaw, as suggested. I was almost naked so I tucked it in the waistband of my underwear, to keep it against my skin. A few minutes pass, it thaws, and we're like, ohhh. Now...uh...how do we get it out of this pixie straw and into the long skinny pipette (technical term - pipelle de cornier) thing the doctor gave us to use for insemination without wasting any?

So we started trying shit. I tried sticking the pipelle into the straw, to suck up the juice, but that wouldn't work, it wouldn't fit. I tried sticking the straw into the pipelle, just sort of thinking I could squirt it in, but it wouldn't fit that way either. Then we decided fuck the pipelle, lets just take the pipelle plunger thing and make the straw into a syringe of sorts. Which semi worked, but wouldn't really do what was necessary when it came to the squirting out part. Plus this makeshift solution had a jagged point that Jen did NOT appreciate.

So now basically i've been sticking random things into my girlfriend for like 20 minutes. Events have taken a rather gynecological and awkward turn here and still no one has had semen inserted into their body. So finally, we say fuck it, dump the semen into a pyrex and suck it up with the pipelle. It works amaaaaazingly well, and i realize our lesbian doctor totally knows her semen injecting business.

I try the sexy part again, and thankfully, this time I get somewhere. When Jen seems to be enjoying herself, I get the pipelle in, plunge the semen out, and then get to work making her come. I am victorious.

Jen concurs, "If this doesn't work, at least its not for lack of orgasm."

She then has to spend the next 45 minutes to an hour with her pelvis remaning elevated. Oh, yes, did I mention her pelvis was elevated this whole time? Her pelvis was elevated this whole time.

We watch Adult Swim. I forbid her to de-elevate her pelvis until after Robot Chicken. But she gets up when the Family Guy is over.

We'd been referring to this attempt as a dress rehersal, forcing our hopes down instead of up. In reality, it was more like a stumble through than a dress. But we did it. And still. This tiny ray of hope. You never know.


Ordering drama. Much of it.

I called the sperm bank to tell them I had given them the wrong address for delivery to the doctor's office. They were fine about that, but while they were on the phone, I realized I should make sure we were on the same page about this specimin being used for ICI, not IUI.

"This specimen is for ICI, right?"

"No, this is for IUI."

"Well, we want to use it for ICI."

"I guess its up to you..."

I hung up, realized I was entirely dissatisfied with that conversation and called back. Before I called back though, I spoke with Jen about what we would do if there was not an ICI specimen available for our donor, H807. We agreed on another donor we had considered in the past.

"So umm...We are doing ICI. Is this a washed specimen or unwashed?"

"This? This is washed."

"Oh, but for ICI we need unwashed."

"Well, you could try with washed."

"But that isn't going to work. I know that won't work."

"Well. You could try."

"I don't think so. Do you have any specimens for this donor that are unwashed?"


"Well, what donors do you have unwashed specimens for?"

"Oh, they're all washed!"



"All the specimens are washed?!"


"Well, I'm sure this isn't your area, but on your website you list that you have specimens available for ICI for some donors. If you only have washed specimens, that is not true. You shouldn't say that!"


"I need to cancel my order."

Jen was disappointed, but I, being the one who had this asinine conversation, and a few equally frustrating ones before it, I was all ready to not use that sperm bank and use someone who maybe had a clue or a shred of professionalism.

The one who had been the most together on the phone was Cryos International aka Scandinavian Sperm Bank. I had been hestitant about using them because their donors are uh...scandinavian, which I most certainly am not. But if its between a pale baby and a sperm bank that is gonna give me a fucking hassle and send me sperm that is sure to not work, I'll take a pale baby. We went back over the Cryos donors and Jen and I both got excited about the same guy.

6'1, 170 lbs. He likes reading and astin martins and Media Studies. He wrote a very sweet note on his application that says he would be very proud if we pick him. He should be fucking proud. while all the Scandinavians we look at seemed healthy and polite and smarter, or at least MUCH better educated than the avg american, this donor seems to be among the smartest and sweetest of the bunch.

We signed the requisite forms, faxed 'em in, placed our order, no problem. The lady on the phone was soooooo much more clear and informative. AND, although this is still an unknown donor deal, we can order a baby picture of our donor. Which I just did. Which will be emailed to me shortly. Which is freaking me out. The lady on the phone said he was a cute baby!


I just ordered sperm.

It was weird, but also really normal. But I guess that's what made it weird, it being like ordering a dress or a book or anything out of a catalog. Its like 10 minutes later and I still feel odd. Rather disconnected from the process of this conception which is impossible, since there is no process with out both Jen and I. I guess its just another rejiggering of expectations. Ordering the sperm isn't really emotional, but at the same time its getting me really hyped for the insemination. I've never released semen into my girlfriend before!

In an attempt to remain calm Jen and I are treating this first insemination as a dress rehersal of sorts. I mean, we understand it could full well result in pregnancy, but we have a lot to work out in terms of the logistics, so this is our trial run with only 1 unit of semen. That's a mere 12.5 million motile sperms.

But what if she actually gets pregnant?! Holy fuck!