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Shortly after we inseminated we went away on vacation. We knew that our timing was off by days, but still. That hope.

Being on vacation was distracting and fun, and made it a lot easier to take when we got conclusive proof that Jen was not pregnant. But even though she had been saying she knew it hadn't taken, Jen was very very sad.

This first, small yet not unexpected disappointment makes me wonder what is to come and how I'll handle it if it is more...no. In my life, I rarely, if ever, undertake things I am not good at. I don't usually delve into areas where I don't easily and quickly succeed. In recent years, I've gotten more aquainted with the concept of effort, but I still have yet to become acquainted with the concept of failure. And I don't intend to start with this. But this isn't something I make happen just by being smart and funny. I can control when we put the sperm in, whose sperm, and how much, the knowledge I have about the process and how i treat Jen and myself, but in the end, when we put it in there, its out of our hands. I cannot personally drag the sperm up to the egg and shove them together. I can't do anything to MAKE it work.

I don't like not having control. So I fall back to what I know is mine. I imagine this working.

Next try is november. We'll be better organized, better informed. And perhaps most importantly, using more sperm. Three vials. C'mon baby.