I've been quiet. Things got stressful. Emotional. Personal. I didn't really want to share.

We didn't inseminate in March. Because although it seemed like Jen ovulated in Feburary, she never got her period. So there were 45 days between periods. Partly, we were wondering if she was indeed pregnant, or pseudo pregnant with something possibly very injurious to Jen, like an ectopic pregnancy. I was so worried about her. She was sick, unrelatedly sick with all the viruses New Yorkers constantly pass around to each other, and I was convinced that every shiver, every feverish cold sweat was a harbinger of doom. I care very much about having a baby with Jen but not at the expense of Jen herself.

Anxiety built. I googled things to clarify and that made my brain explode with a thousand terrifying theories. We became short with each other. Our hot sex cooled. I yelled at Jen because I love her and cried because I was angry.

While I was scared of Jen having some horrible complication or disease, Jen was scared of losing her period, and her fertility forever. I didn't think that was likely the case, just like she didn't think my theories were at all founded in reality. It was like I was saying "I'm terrified you're turning into a warewolf! I'm scared for you!" and her response was "Silly! I'm not. But we really should have my growing desire to bite humans on the neck with my pointy teeth and drink their blood looked into..."None of it was really based on anything except our fears and the mythologies that each of us were clinging to.

Even as I write this I know Jen thinks about this differently. I know she thinks her fear is more founded in reality than mine. I don't mean to mitigate her concern over her fertility, or make it into silly imagination play. I just...I don't think there's evidence to lead us to the conclusion that she's infertile.

So. We didn't inseminate. We snarked and cried and grew as people and waited until TODAY, when Jen had an appointment with a doctor who could weigh in on the issue. It was just a consultation, but I'm viewing the outcome as very positive.

Presented with the information we had compiled about Jen's cycles and our insemination attempts, the doctor didn't automatically think Jen's infertile or going through menopause or any of that. He does think we should be more agressive in our insemination practices, doing IUI inseminations in his office, as opposed to ICI at home. Before our next insemination (which should end up being in June), Jen's going to have some blood taken and undergo a few tests, including an HSG, which means that they'll inject dye into her fallopian tubes to check for abnormalities or blockages. The HSG is supposed to be rather painful and Jen is scared. But generally, people seem to have an easier time getting pregnant in the cycle after having an HSG test, the dye having paved the way for the sperm to get where they need to go or some more sciency version of that concept.

The doctor is setting our timeline now. Certain tests on certain times in Jen's cycle and so on. Jen seems to be a little forlorn at the loss of control of the process. I on the other hand am relieved that this is in a doctor's hands. I like experts and authorities, and I have to admit that I can't fake my way through this one.

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