We're all ensconced at the new clinic. I was just there this morning, for an insemination. Its not as touchy-feely as CL was, not as gay. But they know how to get it done, and I'm happy to have their expertise on our side.

The doctor I'm working thinks I'm hilarious. The first time we met, she read my chart, went over my records from previous doctors...and cracked up.

"Sorry. It's just...here where it asks for method of birth control, you wrote 'being a lesbian'"

A failsafe method.

They took about a gallon of my blood, and the doctor examined the results. My LH level was super high, round about where someone would be at age 40 or after, not at age 31. So the recommendation was for me to get my shit together and hit it hard. No guarantees, of course, but clearly there was no point in wasting time.

But there were still a few more tests to run, some dye to shoot through my fallopian tubes, all kinds of fun stuff that involved poking instruments into my body. Honestly at this point it's weird for me to be in a room with a medical professional and NOT be pantsless. Awkward at the dentist.

We started inseminating again last month. I had cysts present at the start of that cycle, nothing to worry about, the doctor said they'd shrink and go away and they did. But that meant I couldn't have hormones to help me along that time. I ovulated normally, we inseminated, nothing came of it.

We're in the midst of a second cycle now. This time the cysts were gone, so I was allowed to use Clomid. I developed two follicles, both pretty hefty. We all would have liked to see more, with the Clomid, but still, I was glad that they were there, at the right time in the cycle. They gave me a prescription for a trigger shot, but I ovulated on my own, and I had an IUI this morning.

Does anyone even want to read this? Its boring, but it's true.

This process is pretty...repetitive after a while. If this doesn't work, they'll tinker with the drugs, I'll work on the timing. And again. And again. Time goes on, and the whole thing's not nearly as fraught as it used to be. I just can't keep up that level of drama, and it would be counterproductive to do so anyway. I have other things to worry about - the wedding, the fact that I don't have a job right now (that's another fun story for another time), the insurance headaches that come from going to the doctor multiple times a month. And other things to make me happy - Jen, the wedding, my family, my friends, working out like a mofo, the YA fiction I'm obsessed with reading and writing. Trying to make a baby is part of my life, but not my whole life. And if it doesn't work, then...we'll work on other plans.

We did see a lawyer, get the basics on adoption. The wedding comes first, and moving out of this apartment. But that's a possibility, on the horizon, one that I'm sure will bring its own joy and heartache and bureaucracy. So. We'll see.


kati said...

hey! i found your blog again because i had linked it to my "baby blog" a million years ago, which i just came back to write in today. so i followed the link to see what is new with you...but your last post is from 2 months ago!

news? :)

REY said...

Hi! thanks for your note. I haven't updated in a while because...its just hard to make these feelings public. We did inseminate a few times at the new clinic, with clomid, but weren't successful. I'm going to talk to the doctor about IVF, but at this point I have to say, I don't know how I feel about continuing down that road, or how likely my chances are, medically speaking. The doctor has been pretty upfront that I'm not the best candidate for conceiving, even though I'm only 31, my hormone levels are dismal.

This has been so hard, and gone on for so long...I just want a family and there are lots of kids waiting to be adopted who want a family just as bad as I do. So we've turned our attention to investigating both private adoption, and adoption through foster care. We're open to adopting a sibling group, including older kids, and I feel strongly that this might be the right thing for us. There's also an initiative in our city to find LGBT welcoming homes for kids in foster care who are gay, or gender noncomforming. I'm very interested and excited about that possibily being a part of the way we develop our family. I'm trepidatious about the possibility of becoming a parent to an adolescent (as most of those kids are), but at the same time I think we have a lot to offer a child in that situation.

So, it's all on the table. As always, we'll see how it works out. We're getting married in the summer, moving in the fall, so this is all on a little break while those things happen. Or rather, we're researching and making connections. If we decide to foster to adoption, and we're serious about welcoming older children into our home, it seems like they will make that happen FAST, they need homes for these kids. I think we'll pursue both that and private adoption, and maybe IVF, depending on what the doctor says. In the end, I see we were kind of married to a traditional view of how families are made (sperm+egg, no medical intervention) because that's what we knew. But I think we should have been more aggressive on all fronts much sooner. I don't regret any of the choices we made, but we've learned from them, and have a new perspective now.

kati said...

i just wrote the longest reply ever and it got erased! freaking google :P

the main points were: i really appreciate your thoughtfulness and can tell you guys have been through a lot but learned so much;

i agree that adoption is hands down one of the most amazing things you can do. i would like to try it also, but we can't afford private adoption, and adoption through the state here is only for kids 6 and up--and esther feels like that would create an extra barrier for her, to adopt a child who doesn't know her language and while teachable, the language capacity wouldn't be exactly the same thing as with a newborn. she doesn't feel 100% with her english yet but wouldn't rule out foster adopting in a few years when she feels better about language stuff.

and then i also said huge congrats on the wedding!!! are you in a state where it is legal (not that it matters in the slightest)?

REY said...

Hey! Adoption is an interesting road, I'm sure I have a lot to learn about it, and like I said I'm psyched. I certainly wish you and your partner all the best, whatever avenues you pursue to build your family.

For the wedding, we live in New York City, and it's not legal to get married here. We're actually having our wedding in Maine, and it was legal to get married there for a brief period, but they took it back. We're going to get civilly married in Connecticut, which is where Jen is from anyway. And then we'll go party up in Maine. New York State will sort of recognize our marriage, by decree of a past governor that this one is continuing, but not by law. Its such a mess. Ridiculous. But whatever, our wedding is going to be so much fun. :)

kati said...

ooh, but it sounds like a fun mess, though :) anyway i hope you guys have a blast and feel truly blessed that day and in the years to come! you guys are going to have the most awesome family ever :)

kati said...

so here i am again...coming back to comment on the same old post since i don't know how else to find ya :)

i hope things are going well for you guys this year--marriage, moving, new family plans? i wish you an awesome holiday season and start to the new year.

i did want to hear how things have gone for you both for my own ulterior motives, too. we've been TTC for several months now and no dice so far, and i think i may have some internal issues. i'm looking into getting things checked out, but thinking more and more about adoption and fostering. so i thought i'd hit you up again for stories about how it's going/has gone. i won't force you to write a blog post or anything like that :), but i'd love to hear any stories or tidbits!

REY said...

Hey Kati -

I did just update actually. If you want to talk in more detail about foster and adoption, you can also email me at ryndigoyen at gmail.com